Awareness of others

Hi,

Sorry Pixiefox, I did not reply sooner, have only just realised your question. My comments stem from a situation with a friend of my father's partner. She had been renting for a long time and was asked to leave because the landlord wanted to sell. She left and landlord refused to return her deposit because the shed needed replacing and they had to mow the lawn.

This was totally unfair as it was down to the landlord to maintain the shed, which was in a worse state when she moved in. The landlord just turned up several days before she had arranged to leave, and mowed the lawn without her knowledge.

I was furious about it, and passed messages to my father on how to challenge and deal with it. Around this time I was going through my diagnosis. As I have heard from other's, I couldn't relate to not being able to empathise. I discussed this situation with someone later, and realised although my feelings were similar too the tennant, my anger and frustration was not the same as hers. With this very black and white view of what is right and wrong.

My thoughts are changing on this, we can empathise to a certain degree with an NT but not able to on the same wavelength; there will be things we feel much stronger about, other things less stronger. I realised with the tennant, I was reacting to how I would feel in that situation, but that is not the same as she felt. I was absolutely furious and disgusted about the situation; while she was angry and frustrated about it, which is similar, she was more dismissive of the situation.

I believe we can be empathetic with someone else on the spectrum with similar traits to yours; but with other people, our capability is diminished. I have this situation at work when my ex-line manager has aspergers (my opinion), we are very much in-tune with each other's thoughts and feelings.

Anyway, just rambling my thoughts. I think the same applies to NT's, they are not able to fully empathise with us, it's just their feelings and thoughts are more likely to be in-tune with someone else.

I must stress, this is just purely my thoughs, I have not researched this, and am no authority on the subject. Just past of discovery after my diagnosis

Random

I agree, I DO have empathy and perhaps too much that I just get overloaded with emotions and then shut down. 

We on the spectrum definitely have more empathy when someone is hurt or in pain. I feel it in my body even. I wish regular people would find better understanding before they make such assumptions. Just because most of us don't use small talk or niceties to connect with people, doesn't mean we don't care or have feelings, sheesh!

Hi PixieFox,

I totally relate to what you're talking about. I'm almost hyper aware of other people around me, if I have headphones in I make sure no one else can hear them, I always move out of the way of people walking towards me, and if I'm sat next to someone on the bus I do everything I can to make sure I'm not bothering them. I'm not sure whether it's because I know how much those things can get to me, or just because I feel very tuned in to other people's emotions. 

It's odd because as you say, the expectation with Aspergers is that people will be less empathetic, but this also affects me in social situations. I worry a lot about how the other person is reacting to what I'm saying; whether they're starting to shift away or that something I have said has upset them. I think this makes it harder for me to talk to people because I'm so busy worrying about how they're responding that I can't really engage in the conversation. 

I've just found this description of empathy, which I think is clearer than most:

"Empathy is, at its simplest, awareness of the feelings and emotions of other people. It is a key element of Emotional Intelligence, the link between self and others, because it is how we as individuals understand what others are experiencing as if we were feeling it ourselves."

Find more at: http://www.skillsyouneed.com/ips/empathy.html#ixzz4FdVDr8Eh

I can "pick up on" emotional pain, although I can't be absolutely sure that what I'm feeling is exactly the same as what the other person is feeling. It seems easier to do when the other person is an Aspie. 

Is empathy then the same as "being on the same wavelength",  or what is known as "simpatico"? Does it happen when another Aspie describes their reactions to a situation and you say "I know exactly what you mean, I feel that way too"??

Hi Random 

I'm trying to work out what you mean by:

"I am far less able to imagine myself with how the other person is feeling in the same situation."

How can you know what the other person is feeling, if it's something different to what you would feel in their situation? Is not being able to guess this part of what makes me an Aspie? 

I felt very much the same and disregarded the lack of empathy in myself. That was until I discussed it with someone else a couple of weeks ago. As I understand it now, I am able to think how I would feel in someone else's situation and can relate in that way. I am far less able to imagine myself with how the other person is feeling in the same situation.

Random

"Pavement etiquette" or lack thereof is one of my pet hates.  In fact I find it really very hard to interact with other people in any sort of environment where I find they're rude, inconsiderate, selfish, unpredictable and generally "don't follow the rules": by which I don't mean something pedantic or arbitary (well okay, maybe there's a bit of that) but stuff that should be an obvious matter of basic decency, like not trying to walk me off the pavement, not pushing in the queue or following the Highway Code.

Some people are worse than others and it seems some places have larger concentrations of the worse sort of people, but the upshot is that I prefer not interacting with them: I don't want to walk anywhere, I don't want to shop anywhere, I don't want to drive anywhere.  So I'll just stay indoors.

As for the "caring professions": well I've met a few really lovely people.  And I've met a few who are less lovely.  Sadly, I tend to notice the latter a lot more and could rant about them for pages, so I won't go there.