Hi,
I've recently gone through a series of events in my life (I'm 47) that have made me think I may have an ASD, possibly HFA or some degree of Asperger's, but I'm really unsure. Reading about autism has given me an idea that I may have an ASD, I've been going through a midlife crisis and thus trying to find out more about myself. I stupidly had an affair and in a panic I left my wife, but my attempts to reconcile have gone badly as she has said she is uncertain about wanting me back because of how I treated her. I wasn't physically abusive, and I don't think I was mentally abusive either, probably more emotionally neglectful if anything, but none of it intentional. I can see that what lay behind this was me showing little if any empathy when she was having an emotionally distressing time at work, and actually not having much emotional connection to her at all. I can also see that I misread things she said out of not reading her emotions very well. I also didn't read her need for physical contact and intimacy very well.
When I think back to my childhood and youth I used to have a lot of social anxiety, so much so that even now my elderly aunt, when asking about how I am doing during my separation, keeps asking "how are his nerves?" I guess I do display some of the traits of ASD; I am disorganised, but get me onto a subject I am interested in and I can tell you things dating back for years, such as facts, days of the week things happened on, etc. Luckily I haven't had employment issues, but I work with numbers, statistics & data, and have had a long fascination with these, hence I enjoy work tremendously, it's where I feel I fit in.
A while back I thought about whether I suffered somewhat with ADHD but dismissed it, then a work colleague when talking about my marriage issues almost casually said "what with you being a little bit Asperger's" and the thought stuck in my head. I went away and have read a fair amount, and I suggested it to a psychotherapist I am visiting as a possibility, something he said he hadn't ruled out.
It's hard because I didn't think (& I say think more than I say 'feel') that I was different to anyone else, but my wife has told me of how I continually didn't recognise her emotional needs. I can see now that I didn't, but although I know this was the case I don't suffer the heartache you'd imagine I might, knowing that I caused a lot of distress to someone I care about. I do have a tendency towards routine and I haven't coped very well with just the day-to-day stuff since our separation. In fact I had been ceasing to deal very well with it for some time, and our house descended into untidy chaos, but even then I didn't see there was a problem, or if I did I made my wife responsible (not outwardly blaming her, it was kept in my own head but became destructive).
There are lots of other things, but I'm really conscious that to some people HFA or aspects of ASD just look like you're a 'typical man' who didn't really care about his partner, and that isn't true. It makes it hard trying to show my wife that I'm not the person she currently thinks I am and that there might be other factors behind it. I'm also disappointed at reading some sites where those with HFA are viewed as being cruel for their emotional neglect of their partners. Yes, their partners deserve support, they couldn't help loving who they loved, but those with HFA have, on some websites, almost been described as people who you should avoid if you value yourself and want a decent relationship. Don't those with HFA deserve a chance to have good relationships too? I feel they do, but suspect their lack of self-awareness sabotages their chances without them knowing. That's what I feel may have happened to me.