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Help for singles

BenLeman

Hi everyone,

I'm new here so sorry if I remade an old topic.

Allow me to give a bit of my back story. I was diagnosed with aspergers when I was about ten. The diagnose has since been confirmed multiple time. I am very fortunate that I've able to live a very "standard" life. I did okay in school (after overcoming some setbacks) I have a job, I'm independent,... etc. This was mainly thanks to the great support of my parents.

In recent years (after going through a depression) I started acknowledging the syndrome and trained myself to be more socially adapted. I know look people in the eye when I talk to them, I'm nicer,... etc. 

However, there is one thing that keeps escaping me and that is an "intimate" relationship. I'm six months away from 30 now and... well let's just say I'm still missing a very basic human experience. 

It's not that I can't talk to women. On the contrary, I have plenty of female friends, most of the are actually. Alas I can never seem to escalate to "the next level". I have plenty of first dates thanks to the dawn of apps and sites but I never seem to be able to " light a spark" with someone.

So here's my question. Is there any good counseling or therepy arou d (London area)? I found Relate but they seemed to be more geared towards couples. I know there are courses out there like flirtology but I'm scared to sink a lot of money into something that might not address my very specific problem.

Any tips, links to organisations or other helpful input is very much appreciated!

Thanks!

Ben

  • I can identify with what you said. The big difference is that I'm 60, and am due to get the results of my diagnosis next week.

    I've always got on quite well with women, probably better than with men, but very little has happened. I tried computer dating in my 20s and 30s, when that meant sending off a paper form in the post, and waiting for a printout listing people with matching characteristics to arrive. I had a few first dates, where we had a nice chat and never met again. There was no attraction that I was aware of. With hindsight, I may have missed a few opportunities with people I worked with, but it's only years later that I realised that. Then, when I was 48, I met someone attending a meeting of a group I belonged to for the first time. I was on the committee, and she lived in my village, so I had an excuse to knock on her door a few times with some paperwork for her. Eventually she invited me in, and we started to get to know each other. I can't remember how long we were seeing each other for, but it wasn't long (some weeks, or maybe a month or two), and we fell out when I handled a difficult situation badly.

    Nothing happened for a couple of years, then I met someone at another meeting who lived about 200 miles away, and we spent a few days together a couple of times, but mostly talking on the phone or online. She was working full time and studying for an MBA, and I was working, and we eventually gave up. Then I sold my house and went travelling for a couple of years, and met a number of women through computer dating. I spent a short time seeing a few of them, but there no strong attraction developed, although I did manage to get a lot more intimate with a couple of them than I'd ever done before.

    Since then, nothing has happened. I think I've discovered that I don't read signals, and either don't send them, or send the wrong ones. I gradually realised that if I'd told anyone I met that I have a problem with this, maybe someone would have suggested that we work on it, and see what happens. More recently I've seen that Tony Attwood suggests something similar for making friends, so it looks like I'm on the right track. But it feels like it's too late now, and I've found a possible solution when the opportunity to try it has passed.

    I've realised that I never initiate anything. I've set up a few opportunities, but it's always the woman who starts things. I think I need to work out some phrases I could use to describe how I don't do non-verbal communication very well to anyone I start to get friendly with. Something non threating, so I can use it with anyone I meet without getting myself into trouble, as I can't read people well enough to know if there's any romantic interest. If someone is interested in me, it would at least open the door for them to make the first move.

    I'd love to know of any other solutions that might work.