This last year, i have been getting lower and lower.
From a very young age, twelve, i was depressed. Cried a lot, had panic attacks, tried to commit suicide. I was cripplingly shy, had high anxiety, low confidence and self esteem, and weird quirks that made me unpopular at school. I was bullied, violently.
I went through talking therapies, counselling, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, was on and off antidepressants, for over twenty years. Nothing worked. Not one damn thing.
And then, my daughter was born, and diagnosed with Aspergers and Autism. My mother learned more about it so she could look after Eva properly. I couldn't cope, my depression got worse, so my mum took her to live with her.
Through all this, i had many relationships, all my dalliances with guys were troubled. I was cheated on by every boyfriend, except one. Rejected by all. My heart was broken again and again and again.
Through learning about my daughters conditions my mum realised that i might be Autistic. We went for a diagnose and then I was diagnosed, late, at 32. I was so happy. Now i had a reason, why i did the this i did in childhood, why i was so 'weird', and had quirks.
Two years later....i'm 34 now and i feel so low.
I have been diagnosed with high functioning autism, and with the breakup of my last relationship, i now know....that i will never find love.
For someone who has dreamed of finding love and being happily married this is devastating.
And please, do not tell me that i can't know i won't find love, that it will come when i least expect, that it will come in time, blah blah. I don't want platitudes or cliches.
I know.
I will never find love because of how i am, because of my autism, because of the things i cant do in relationships, because i don't like being touched sexually, because i can't stand the act of sex, or the secretions. Because my anxieties are too hard to deal with, because i hate going out on my own, because i'm hard to live with. Because i am me.
Watching everyone around me getting married, finding love, is so damn hard. My neices have boyfriends. One has just had a baby and is looking to be on her way to getting engaged. My sister and brother are both happily married too.
It's all iv'e ever wanted.
Everyone has a dream in life. To be a doctor, a singer, a fucking astronaut. To travel the world, to volunteer in an african orphanage. To sail round the world, to drive a car across america.
You know my dream? Since i was ten? To fall in love, to get married, be and stay happily married with a man who looks at me like....she's beautiful. I want to be with her, i want to look after her and hold her hand through life.
When i talk to people about it, my mother....my aunts, they tell me 'not to be so silly, course you'll find love'.
What they don't understand is that i know i won't. I have high anxiety problems, don't like leaving my house, everything outside scares me, i get panic attacks, i cant breathe, i freak out. And social interaction is just as hard if not harder.
Yet, i want love. So much that it physically hurts to think that i will never feel it.
And knowing that i will grow old and watch everyone around me die, or get married and find what i cant.....it's gut-wrenchingly painful.
My parents are emotionally distant, i can't talk to them, they're really closed off and stuffy with this sort of thing. Very stiff upper lip, we don't talk about things like this....
And my brother and sister live a little away, we're not close.
And i have NO friends, because i'm too shy and anxious. No joke. I have none, no one to go shopping with, or to have coffee with or hang out watching movies.
I have literally no one to talk to.
Today, i freaked out about it all. I cried for six hours straight, my face is sore, my eyes puffy. I can't breathe. I desperately want to crawl into a corner and just die, have my life fade away in the blissful ignorance of sleep.
I don't want to see another morning, wake up another day on my own. I can't bear it.
