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Brother self diagnosed aspergers

Jamroo

I feel weird talking about my brother, he'd hate if he knew I signed up for this. Time to delete my history lol

I'll start with this, he self diagnosed himself with his ADHD at 13, he went to CHAMS, but I'm not sure if they diagnosed him with aspergers? But he knows himself, but I trust when he says he has aspergers, you can somewhat tell if you know him.  He's also struggled with depression practically from a young age and was always considered an outcast, energetic troublemaker, the black sheep I guess, why oh why didn't we realise earlier?

At the present moment our mum has cancer stage 4 and that hit him somewhat hard, how hard I don't know. He's mildly aspergers, but as he's gotten elder it seems a bit more hard manageable, he helped me through so much stuff, was my first male role model (we hated each other up until i was about 14, he was boystorous I wanted to play shops.. at 14 that's pretty awkward :P haha) 

Anyways, his girlfriend who was good for him, left for travelling, but before she went on holiday with a rich guy, who she's done things with before, I thought she was great up until this happened, she's a horrible girl, she even said she would go for 2 years even if her mum had cancer, which pretty much sums her up.

He wanted to travel the world, do the most extreme sports, had an operation and kept jumping about, little did he know he could getand now has artharitus in his hip at 23, so the 3 combined has hit him, he says stupid things which I hope he doesn't do them. I'd say more, but It's too private for others.

I signed up for this site because I've never quite understood as it was only a later date and didn't think it was much of a problem, but he hates everything and everyone, I can't help him because everything I say he's already thought and has a negative thing put onto it,

We get in arguments he'll say horrible things and I say things, mean things which I don't mean because of all the stress. He takes what I say seriously, like he didn't mean at all, he cried in front of me when I said "I'm going to get further in life than you mate" 

I just want to know how to deal with him, what situations I should just back down, or just some advise even to take back to him, he's so smart and deserves a lot, a lot more than me, just bad luck I guess. 

I signed up to this site hoping to be able to help him, so above mildly aspergers (he doesn't throw temper tantrums and stuff, I feel bad for not know enough about aspergers when I should) I just don't want him to do something stupid, he's the best person I know, although arrogant, never wrong, and extreme hate towards people! But he has a kind heart, a brain which I wish I could have without all the bad thoughts and the most genuine person I know, so please I hope I can gather some stuff to bring back to him. I'm not as smart as him so he doesn't feel I could bring any good advise. 

If he's angry do I just walk away because he doesn't mean it? Or try calm him down, We all get severely angry, (thanks dad for the mental difficulties, me just add, my sister bipolar and a hypercondriact) 

And another quick question because it was unknown for a long time and untreated can it be harder for him to change now?

I love him dearly, but saying face to face is something we never do, he could be something, but he's so hard to deal with and speak too, blames everyone for why he is like this (which is fair) but even little things now is never his fault.

thanks guys any input would be appreciated!

Sorry for the long post :)

  • I hope your brother will appreciate what an amazing Sister he has, maybe in time. It would not do any harm just reminding him from time to time that you are there for him and will help him. 

    I'm sure many people on the spectrum had a tough time growing up. I was a bit of the opposite to your brother as I knew I was very intelligent, but did not place any value on that in myself, or anyone else, I felt very inferior and that has lasted for many years. I don't know if there is a way he can see there are other values that make up a person. See if you can get talking about things when he is in a better frame of mind.

    When hes very angry I think it is best to give him some space, and tactfully try and comfort him or help get his mind distracted on something else. When the dust settles try and talk to him about things, acknowledge how he is feeling and what he is angry about, but let him know how you feel about things to help him try and get a better perspective on his troubles.

    As to your quick question about can it be harder to change now. I think change is the wrong word, he is and always will be autistic. To learn how to better cope with things, personally I think to a very small amount it will be harder, but in the grand scheme of things I don't think it will make much difference. 

    Random

  • It took me long enough to be accepted for registering! I hope there's some people who can help, I don't suppose many wil go through the same thing, but the basics of it possibly?

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    Hi Jamroo, welcome to the forum.

    You have written so much and there is so much to say in return!

    It's really good that you really want to help and can admit that you need help. Actually, we won't have all of the answers but we can help because we can see things from his point of view. There is a mix of people with autism/aspergers and parents and family members so there are lots of points of view.

    Don't blame your father for the mental issues. It is quite possible that he is also on the spectrum, it is commonly passed through families genetically. It is even possible that your sister has it and has been misdiagnosed with bipolar - this is a not uncommon misdiagnosis. The mental issues in people with autism arise because of the brain being wired differently and prone to make black and white judgemental views. Being brought up by undiagnosed autistic parents does not help as we can be unsympathetic and harsh to those around us.

    The best way to deal with people who are on the spectrum is not to keep applying pressure when they are showing signs of stress. Walk away, allow everyone to cool down, be relentlessly positive and try and be unreasonably reasonable and calm. There is no point getting angry and shouting it leads to withdrawal and meltdowns.