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Not understanding me and Pressure from my sister

Lucy82

I have an older sister Emma who is 3 years older then me, at times her personality can come across like she wants to be in charge, my mum says she's ben like that since she was a little girl. She can also be or come across forceful in her wording or her manner towards which makes me very uncomfortable and anxious. In the past ( before my autism doggones) it  has caused issues in our relationship.Although I can and do get angry I don't express my emotions to people.I'm more timed and can find her imitating.

Unfortunately I have experienced some of these feelings over the past week due to my sister, she lives in Brighton I live in Kent and a weeks ago or maybe a bit longer she texted me to say shes coming up for Mothers day can I keep it a secret? This immediately caused me anxiety because I HATE being put in these kinds of situations especially by Emma as shes doesn't seem to understand how it makes me! She wants it to be a secret so THAT'S IT it doesn't matter about the effects it has on me, having to carry secrets around with me and knowing about it for little over a week which for me is a long time! Tonight she has added to my anxiety texting me saying 'we could take mum out for a meal' to me how she worded it came across bossy, again it's something else she's expecting me to keep from our mum 

I could tell the conversation was going in the direction of me making the arrangements so i quickly moved the conservation that way and said I would i make the restaurant booking which i did!  

Needing to know everything that is going to happen is also one of my autistic traits and so I asked her which time her train is due from Brighton and I got after 6 as a reply, which is nothing to me and caused me frustration I asked her again and she said No Idea, Why can't she look on her phone and check!?   

That is basically everything that has happen, I thought I would use here to express how the situation has made me feel, to get it all down and out of me hoping it would  make me feel better, so that I stopped crying and feeling anxious, in the hope that others might have some helpful advice when I feel like this.

Usually if something upsets me I go to my mum straight way! But obviously I can't with this.

  • Hi Lucy, I only joined the forum yesterday and have just read your post and I was wondering how everything turned out.  I hope it went OK. 

    I'm a 55 year old woman, self diagnosed and currently waiting for a formal assessment and counselling. I understand completely your need to know what is happening in advance, I'm exactly the same - unfortunately many neuro typical people don't seem to have this need, they just do things when they feel like it without pre arranging any schedule. It makes things very stressful for us.

    Do you have anyone you trust apart from your mum who you can talk to about how this sort of thing makes you feel? Do you have any support from a counsellor or health professional? If not, maybe you could think about seeing your GP to discuss counselling? 

    I also have a bossy sister, who is very manipulative and I have also always been timid and avoided conflict. I stopped seeing her years ago as the relationship became too destructive for me. I had no idea I might have aspergers at that time though, so had no understanding of why we were so different. 

    I assume you want to try to have a good relationship with your sister. Has it been explained to her what will make you anxious and upset? Could your mum explain it to her, or could you put it in an email so that you can think about what you want to say without the stress of a face to face confrontation?

    I wish you well with resolving this :)