I had the most profound realisation yesterday. All my interests are connected to love and passion. I live passionately, intensely. And this is why real life seems so dull, monotonous, boring and tepid when the surge of passion dissipates. When I get obsessed with something, I experience an altered state of consciousness. Usually I fall in love with an idea, a person, a philosophy or system of thought that is beautiful in its completeness and purpose, or simply an item of clothing. I don't want the object/person/idea to disintegrate, I want it never to go. Its radiance lifts me up onto a cloud, and I feel so overawed and blissful. But it is painful. Feeling this love so intensely also means that the disintegration or loss of that love catapults me into a chasm of bleakness and nothingness. If only it could last! This is why I fear change. Change equals death of order, beauty, perfection, symmetry, love. My life is all about love, but I don't know how to channel the emotion, and I have never received genuine unconditional love. But I am a person who loves deeply and craves love, in the romantic sense.