Please help

Hi GuitarMan. I was going to respond to you in much the same way as gingeman, but as he's said it all already, I won't bore you with repeats.

They wouldn't be bothering with the diagnostic process if they didn't have good reason to. However, I would really like to offer you some positives and hope that they help with the intense anxiety that I know you're going through. It was the same for me, so if I just relate my own experience, perhaps you'll be able to identify something that helps. Hope so anyway.

When the suggestion was first made to me that I might be on the spectrum, I had absolutely no idea what it meant. It put a wehole new unknown territory into my world - the very thing that causes so much anxiety for AS people! There's irony... My perception of autism was that of a severe disabiltiy, but I had not even the slightest knowledge of the condition, and I certainly never even considered it to be me. My brain went into scramble because I just couldn't handle the many strong thoughts and emotions that the suggestion engendered in me. I chose not to research the condition and just let the diagnostic process happen, and I'm glad now that I made that choice.

I struggled all of my life with so many things. The strange thoughts, the complete bewilderment as to why, when I copied other people's behaviour, I got nothing but trouble for it, my record of broken relationships (of all types) and constantly losing jobs for reasons that were beyond me, my absorbtion with with subjects that people didn't understand but were perfectly logical to me. My own Mum constantly telling me that she never understood me or the things I talked about, and being treated by my family, both close and extended, like some kind of dangerous alien - the rejection was excriciatingly hurtful and I never understood why people who were supposed to love me enjoyed hurting me so much with their casual cruelty.

I spent much of my childhood wondering why my real parents had dumped me with these awful people - I just couldn't work out what I'd done that was so bad that I was a reject. When I say my childhood, I'm talking about the entire period up to my diagnosis at the age of 59...

I'm still going through the process of learning about me since then, but the diagnosis gave me an explanation, a sense of who I am, and a community to talk with, finally, who 'get' me. It's been overwhelming at times, but also comforting to know that IT'S NOT MY FAULT. Having spent my life understanding that everything's my fault, I still can't get used to the idea that it's my difference, but I like to think I at least know what my starting point is. Nothing I've said here is either unique or unknown, but I never knew that before! My isolation is over.

I'm crying a little as I write this, the mixed emotions are starting to overwhelm me. It's sadness for a wasted life, it's happiness to know I'm not alone, it's sadness that the close, loving person who always accepted me and cared for me died without knowing the answer, but happiness to be able to know that her faith in me, often in the face of aggressive opposition, was justified. I have chosen not to share my diagnosis with my wider family - they'd argue that I'm just a bad piece of s**t with a new excuse and they neither deserve me nor the truth about their own behaviour. I don't think they're nice enough or inntelligent enough or mature enough to admit just how wrong they were, and I need NONE of these things from any of them. They are my biological family, not my real one. My true life has begun.

So, following diagnosis (I still boggle at it!) I at least know why my past was as it was, but more importantly, I have a future that doesn't hold more of the same old crap. I've found myself less dependent on drink and drugs (legal or otherwise) to the point where I'd rather not do either - I don't need a fog-shield so much! And by seeing myself in a new way, reading and talking with others on here, and learning that it's OK to be me, I've found a place inside where I am more at peace than I've ever known before. **** the begrudgers.

I'm sorry for what you're going through, but please let me reassure you that you will have answers. I'm glad that you have a supportive partner - she deserves an explanation too, and I suspect that, like me, you'll discover a new relationship with your children. If there is any downside to diagnosis for me, it is that it didn't come sooner so that I, and those who loved me, never knew this before when it could have made such a huge difference. Embrace it, I say, it has many positive aspects that can change your life for the better. The anxiety levels you are experiencing are typical, but not confined to, AS, but either way they will subside. I hope you can find the strength to endure, and please understand that we know what you're going through and stand at your side, all the way.

Sorry this is long, but I pray that you've found something in here to give you hope and encouragement.

Hi GuitarMan. I was going to respond to you in much the same way as gingeman, but as he's said it all already, I won't bore you with repeats.

They wouldn't be bothering with the diagnostic process if they didn't have good reason to. However, I would really like to offer you some positives and hope that they help with the intense anxiety that I know you're going through. It was the same for me, so if I just relate my own experience, perhaps you'll be able to identify something that helps. Hope so anyway.

When the suggestion was first made to me that I might be on the spectrum, I had absolutely no idea what it meant. It put a wehole new unknown territory into my world - the very thing that causes so much anxiety for AS people! There's irony... My perception of autism was that of a severe disabiltiy, but I had not even the slightest knowledge of the condition, and I certainly never even considered it to be me. My brain went into scramble because I just couldn't handle the many strong thoughts and emotions that the suggestion engendered in me. I chose not to research the condition and just let the diagnostic process happen, and I'm glad now that I made that choice.

I struggled all of my life with so many things. The strange thoughts, the complete bewilderment as to why, when I copied other people's behaviour, I got nothing but trouble for it, my record of broken relationships (of all types) and constantly losing jobs for reasons that were beyond me, my absorbtion with with subjects that people didn't understand but were perfectly logical to me. My own Mum constantly telling me that she never understood me or the things I talked about, and being treated by my family, both close and extended, like some kind of dangerous alien - the rejection was excriciatingly hurtful and I never understood why people who were supposed to love me enjoyed hurting me so much with their casual cruelty.

I spent much of my childhood wondering why my real parents had dumped me with these awful people - I just couldn't work out what I'd done that was so bad that I was a reject. When I say my childhood, I'm talking about the entire period up to my diagnosis at the age of 59...

I'm still going through the process of learning about me since then, but the diagnosis gave me an explanation, a sense of who I am, and a community to talk with, finally, who 'get' me. It's been overwhelming at times, but also comforting to know that IT'S NOT MY FAULT. Having spent my life understanding that everything's my fault, I still can't get used to the idea that it's my difference, but I like to think I at least know what my starting point is. Nothing I've said here is either unique or unknown, but I never knew that before! My isolation is over.

I'm crying a little as I write this, the mixed emotions are starting to overwhelm me. It's sadness for a wasted life, it's happiness to know I'm not alone, it's sadness that the close, loving person who always accepted me and cared for me died without knowing the answer, but happiness to be able to know that her faith in me, often in the face of aggressive opposition, was justified. I have chosen not to share my diagnosis with my wider family - they'd argue that I'm just a bad piece of s**t with a new excuse and they neither deserve me nor the truth about their own behaviour. I don't think they're nice enough or inntelligent enough or mature enough to admit just how wrong they were, and I need NONE of these things from any of them. They are my biological family, not my real one. My true life has begun.

So, following diagnosis (I still boggle at it!) I at least know why my past was as it was, but more importantly, I have a future that doesn't hold more of the same old crap. I've found myself less dependent on drink and drugs (legal or otherwise) to the point where I'd rather not do either - I don't need a fog-shield so much! And by seeing myself in a new way, reading and talking with others on here, and learning that it's OK to be me, I've found a place inside where I am more at peace than I've ever known before. **** the begrudgers.

I'm sorry for what you're going through, but please let me reassure you that you will have answers. I'm glad that you have a supportive partner - she deserves an explanation too, and I suspect that, like me, you'll discover a new relationship with your children. If there is any downside to diagnosis for me, it is that it didn't come sooner so that I, and those who loved me, never knew this before when it could have made such a huge difference. Embrace it, I say, it has many positive aspects that can change your life for the better. The anxiety levels you are experiencing are typical, but not confined to, AS, but either way they will subside. I hope you can find the strength to endure, and please understand that we know what you're going through and stand at your side, all the way.

Sorry this is long, but I pray that you've found something in here to give you hope and encouragement.