Helping a friend

heya, so my best friend got diagnosed as high functioning asd this past spring and it's great that he now can see himself as not weird or strange and that his behaviours are explainable. However, before his diagnosis he would often try to work through his more unusual behaviours, such as his social anxiety, how he dealt with relationships, as well as how he communicated with people. the issue now is, I have moved away for a year, and he rarely speaks to me anymore because he only likes face-to-face interaction, so he doesn't want to skype or talk on the phone with me, only email me once and a while. And I feel like, he is starting to use his diagnosis as a crutch instead of trying to tackle his problems and work through them? And his flatmates are allowing such behaviour. But then again, I've not had much experience with high functioning asd, so I don't know what people who are this way do, like do you try to tackle how to feel emotions and communicate better? Or do you tell people this is how you are and to respect It? Am I being to harsh? I dunno, but I'm worried and I miss him and I just don't know what to do.

  • My personal experience is that a diagnosis comes because things are not working as they are, if he was not having difficulties in life it is unlikely he would have sought, or received, a diagnosis.  As such, it does not appear to be an unusual reaction afterwards for him to try to work out what is causing him problems and try to make some changes that he hopes will improve his situation.

    There does seem to be some balance to be struck between accepting those parts of ourselves that we are not able to change at the moment, and trying to work around them, and trying to learn skills to improve ourselves.  Exactly where those lines fall is likely to be different for everyone, depending on what strengths and weaknesses we are bringing to the mix, will probably take him some time to work out initially, and may well change over time depending on a whole range of factors.

    If you can continue to be there for him as he works out what the diagnosis means for him and how he lives his life, I am sure he will appreciate you for it and it will likely deepen your friendship in the long run.

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    Hi Tcopes,

    Really glad to see that you are still caring about your friend. He is the same person that you knew before and lots of that just won't change.

    People react in different ways to diagnosis. Diagnosis can be real shock to the system and it can be really hard to come to terms with the idea that you have a "disorder" or condition or however he describes it.

    He now has an an explanation for his difficulties and may now be more comfortable with not trying to change himself. Sometimes it can be really stressful and hard work trying to maintain the charade of trying to be normal.

    I think that some people do use their label almost as an excuse not to try and fit in with the world. They take an attitude of this is the way I am, I cannot change and you have to accept me for what I am.

    Personally I have tried to understand why I was not so well accepted before diagnosis. With an understanding of this, I have tried to moderate my behaviour and try to understand other people better. I am now less angry about the way the world reacts to me and more forgiving of people's reactions.

    A lot of people with ASD don't react well to criticism or to being told to do X Y or Z. Try to be positive and reinforce good behaviour rather than picking him up on bad habits. You can try and nudge him in to better behaviour but he might be resistant to anything more than a nudge. 

    Try and keep your friendship alive, it might not be your idea of how a friend might normally behave but then he is different to most people.