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Caught out!

ChewChew

Hi,

I've not been formally diagnosed (so might not even be in the right place) but this forum seems friendlier than others I've been on.

I've had lots of problems in my job but seem to have been settling in finally after nearly two years.

This week I was working on my own when I noticed a manager poking their head round the corner laughing at me.  I then realised that I had been talking under my breath.  I do this sometimes when I'm bored or it's too quiet and I don't even realise I'm doing it, I also don't know what I say when I do this.  I think he heard me and that's why he was laughing and I'm really embarrassed.  Another person at work heard me muttering to myself a little while ago but I just laughed and said I was singing.

Now after being bullied when I first started and just feeling like I'm getting settled in this has happened and I'm worried that it's going to give people ammunition if it gets around to others.  It has been obvious to people that I was having mental health problems last year and people took advantage of that, I feel, by telling me I was imagining that people had said I was stupid, when I clearly heard them say it.  I think this will be another reason for people to think that I'm unreliable and unstable.

Does anybody else have a problem like this/had a problem like it?

I have been seeing a psychologist for a few months after planning suicide last year and she screened me for ADHD and ASD, I came out with a low "positive" score on both and she had to convince the adult clinic to add me to their year long waiting list (I'm in my 30s).  I've been feeling a bit up and down but mostly better recently and I don't want to go back to the way I felt last year 'cause of this.  I have a 6 year old so I need to be at my best for him.

Does anyone have any advice on this subject pleae.

 

  • Hi,

    Thanks for replying.

    I seewhat you're saying about ignoring it and don't worry, but the two problems I have is that I didn't know that I was doing it until I saw him laughing at me and I have no idea what I was saying.  I could have been talking about housework, or about somebody or been swearing or anything.  Also my mutteringI think was following the pace of my thoughts so I think I was just making a weird lump of speech at a crazy speed.  The second thing is that I have had problems with people saying I'm stupid at this job before, muttering it to me under their breath when they walk past, just load enough for me and my neighbours at work to hear.  When I asked my coworkers if they hear it they said no but I know they did because they looked at eachother with wide eyes and had to hold in a laugh when he did it.

    That is just one example of an instance where someone has said something about me being stupid, or sometimes it's about how I look.

    I know that there is probably nothing I can do about my paranoia about anything but I wonder if the reason everybody was treating me like this was because I was muttering and I didn't realise all along.  I wish I could be in more control of myself.  It's not like I can not work or work for myself as I have no skills or qualifications apart from admin based.  Sorry for the rant but I felt like I was getting somewhere at work and now I'm feeling like I've stepped back a bit.  I don't want to work myself up to where I land up feeling how I did last year.

  • I talk to myself a lot, and sometimes quite loudly when stressed (which can get me into trouble).  But I don't think it is as serious a social error as you might think. They shouldn't think badly of you on that account - though it will fuel some speculation.

    Neurotypicals cannot deal with difference. They have to scratch at it all the time - indeed I do worry about their mental health... Difference should just be part of life's rich tapestry.

    Two things I've noticed over the years. Being exceptionally tall I get noticed all the time, and I have a variable limp that can be quite bad at times (not helped by walking clumsily anyway), which is when people always seem to notice it. At bad times I can hear myself yelping with the pain.

    Funny thing is no-one really seems to pay any attentiion to the yelps. I've got progressively less self conscious about the whole thing because I really don't think anyone notices. As to the height thing, it was funniest when I lived in Sheffield for a few years - people would look up, then down to check where my feet were, then back up again - nothing said, just their head movements were so obvious.

    A lot of tall people are very self conscious, even sensitive about their height. I honestly don't think other people are more than momentarily bothered though "what's the weather like up there?" questions do annoy some tallies.

    NTs are like goldfish - 4 second memory. It happens it's forgotten. Your only real problem is when they get chatting, saying oh I saw him do that to. But then you have to understand, neurotypicals have serious mental health problems. Just ignore them.