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Advice about my partner

Oatcakes

This is a hard one and I am sorry because I have the utmost respect for how difficult life can be for people on the spectrum.

My partner has been told he is on the spectrum and scored quite highly when he did an assessment with the psychiatrist. He is now awaiting the full ASD assessment for more information etc. One of of children is also awaiting assessment at present.

One of the issues we have is that since the children were born my partner has found it harder and harder to cope with being a Dad. He admits he doesn't know how to respond appropriately and we have been receiving counseling from a great man who has specific training for NT/ASD couples.

However, after the meetings my partner still falls back into problematic behaviour. He understands what we have discussed and readily agrees with what needs to be done but seems unable to change his behaviour around the children. It's very upsetting and I want to guide him the best I can.

We have tried to do one thing at a time but after a few weeks he is making negative comments and being overly strict. His conflicting behaviour is confusing and frustrating one child and causing a loss of confidence in the other. Then my partner is upset because I am 'criticizing' him. I am actually doing my best to be constructive, giving examples, explaining that he himself wouldn't want to be treated in this way and saying I know it's very hard for him and will take time. Now he is waking me up at 5am to ask me if I still love him :(..it's tiring and heartbreaking.

I feel I am failing miserably with him and sometimes wonder if we would all be happier living apart. I don't want this (and neither does he) but I am worried about the long term effects on all our mental health if things carry on the way they are. Plus it's all making my partner very anxious and insecure, which is absolutely no good for him either. He doesn't understand why he cannot change when he really wants to. I make little lists, have tried texts, emails..made each task smaller and further apart but nothing seems to make any difference.

I feel terribly sad I cannot help him be the Dad he clearly wants to be but I also feel sad for the children because his comments and actions cause them distress on a daily basis.

Has anyone else found a solution to these types of issue, I am at the end of my tether here. :(

Oatie

 

 

Parents

  • I am really sorry you are having such a tough time (hugs).

    Since I last posted on this thread things have moved on considerable for the better.

    We saw a man called Barry Thompson in Solihull..he's a trained counsellor who himself has Aspergers...and he was fantastic. The main issues my partner and I had we down to communication. It took a while but we have now worked out a system that really helps make our lives less stressful and means my other half can be a more responsive Dad (mainly as he's less stressed now).

    I don't know where you are in the country or whether you can afford a few sessions with a specialist? It wasn't very expensive and after 2 sessions we were able to have a good basis to work though our issues as a couple.

    Can you expand on what are the key issues you are having trouble with? Ours were memory, organisation which are all under the communication banner.

    Once I had worked out the best way to explain things to my other half (and he'd stopped being overly defensive) we started to move forward. If he now needs to do something he immediately puts a reminder in his phone...this stops me having to repeat myself and him not feeling harrassed.

    I give him a list of jobs needing doing, a time frame and I found that as long as I keep the list to 4 items or less he isn't overwhelmed and doesn't go all headless chicken on us. When that's done he has a new list.

    Same with the kids, clear, precise instructions on what to do (even at first I had to tell my partner the exact words to use when speaking to the children). Once he realised it was working his confidence with the boys improved and he began managing better without help from me. If we mess up we apologise to the boys. We explained Dad will get it wrong at times but he loves them very much and will do it different next time.

    On trips out we plan who will do what, when and where. If he's struggling with anything we have a code and we leave or find a quiet place. My partner cannot plan and will rush himself headlong into situations if I don't remind him..but it's LOADS better now and I can really see our future in a positive way.

    Hang in there, try different methods, choose your time to talk when it's quiet, and if one way doesn't work look objectively on how it could be done better.

    Ask me anything you like and if I can help I will try.

    There is a future for you all, but the path is a bit bumpy and windy at first. It will be worth it as I expect you couldn't have a more loyal partner.

    All my love

    Oatie

    x

Reply

  • I am really sorry you are having such a tough time (hugs).

    Since I last posted on this thread things have moved on considerable for the better.

    We saw a man called Barry Thompson in Solihull..he's a trained counsellor who himself has Aspergers...and he was fantastic. The main issues my partner and I had we down to communication. It took a while but we have now worked out a system that really helps make our lives less stressful and means my other half can be a more responsive Dad (mainly as he's less stressed now).

    I don't know where you are in the country or whether you can afford a few sessions with a specialist? It wasn't very expensive and after 2 sessions we were able to have a good basis to work though our issues as a couple.

    Can you expand on what are the key issues you are having trouble with? Ours were memory, organisation which are all under the communication banner.

    Once I had worked out the best way to explain things to my other half (and he'd stopped being overly defensive) we started to move forward. If he now needs to do something he immediately puts a reminder in his phone...this stops me having to repeat myself and him not feeling harrassed.

    I give him a list of jobs needing doing, a time frame and I found that as long as I keep the list to 4 items or less he isn't overwhelmed and doesn't go all headless chicken on us. When that's done he has a new list.

    Same with the kids, clear, precise instructions on what to do (even at first I had to tell my partner the exact words to use when speaking to the children). Once he realised it was working his confidence with the boys improved and he began managing better without help from me. If we mess up we apologise to the boys. We explained Dad will get it wrong at times but he loves them very much and will do it different next time.

    On trips out we plan who will do what, when and where. If he's struggling with anything we have a code and we leave or find a quiet place. My partner cannot plan and will rush himself headlong into situations if I don't remind him..but it's LOADS better now and I can really see our future in a positive way.

    Hang in there, try different methods, choose your time to talk when it's quiet, and if one way doesn't work look objectively on how it could be done better.

    Ask me anything you like and if I can help I will try.

    There is a future for you all, but the path is a bit bumpy and windy at first. It will be worth it as I expect you couldn't have a more loyal partner.

    All my love

    Oatie

    x

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