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Advice about my partner

Oatcakes

This is a hard one and I am sorry because I have the utmost respect for how difficult life can be for people on the spectrum.

My partner has been told he is on the spectrum and scored quite highly when he did an assessment with the psychiatrist. He is now awaiting the full ASD assessment for more information etc. One of of children is also awaiting assessment at present.

One of the issues we have is that since the children were born my partner has found it harder and harder to cope with being a Dad. He admits he doesn't know how to respond appropriately and we have been receiving counseling from a great man who has specific training for NT/ASD couples.

However, after the meetings my partner still falls back into problematic behaviour. He understands what we have discussed and readily agrees with what needs to be done but seems unable to change his behaviour around the children. It's very upsetting and I want to guide him the best I can.

We have tried to do one thing at a time but after a few weeks he is making negative comments and being overly strict. His conflicting behaviour is confusing and frustrating one child and causing a loss of confidence in the other. Then my partner is upset because I am 'criticizing' him. I am actually doing my best to be constructive, giving examples, explaining that he himself wouldn't want to be treated in this way and saying I know it's very hard for him and will take time. Now he is waking me up at 5am to ask me if I still love him :(..it's tiring and heartbreaking.

I feel I am failing miserably with him and sometimes wonder if we would all be happier living apart. I don't want this (and neither does he) but I am worried about the long term effects on all our mental health if things carry on the way they are. Plus it's all making my partner very anxious and insecure, which is absolutely no good for him either. He doesn't understand why he cannot change when he really wants to. I make little lists, have tried texts, emails..made each task smaller and further apart but nothing seems to make any difference.

I feel terribly sad I cannot help him be the Dad he clearly wants to be but I also feel sad for the children because his comments and actions cause them distress on a daily basis.

Has anyone else found a solution to these types of issue, I am at the end of my tether here. :(

Oatie

 

 

Parents

  • Dear Oatie,

    I have just today, joined this community as I just do not know where to turn.  I feel completely on my own... I came across your post and, after reading through it, am sat here in tears as I feel I have finally found someone who understands how I feel.

    I too, have two children, two daughters aged 3 and 5.  My husband has finally (after eight long years of trying) been diagnosed with Aspergers/High-Functioning Autism - the psychiatrist couldn't 100% confirm which one as we couldn't establish exactly when my husband started to talk.  He also has learning disabilities and a speech problem.

    My husband has many issues to face daily but parenting our daughters is incredibly hard for him... he too plummeted seriously after the birth of our first child and it has just got worse and worse for us all ever since.

    The problem we are facing now is that after finally receiving a formal diagnoses, the psychiatrist has told us that our county PCT will not provide any further funding for support for people like my husband or families like ours.  They currently only provide a total of two assessments per month that five consultants must fight over... so my husband was incredibly lucky to receive one!  But after the assessment, there is nothing!  So we are back to square one really.  We now have a label for what is going on but STILL zero support!  I have tried to contact the health visitor for support but she was yet another person slamming a door in our faces.

    Our girls are really struggling to cope with 'Daddy and his brain that is not very well'.  It breaks my heart to see my husband so desperately wanting to be a good Dad but he just doesn't know how and no matter what I do to try and help and support him, nothing appears to work.

    I have often, though that life would be easier if we lived apart but my husband will not comprehend that it would just mean us living apart and not the end of our marriage.  I don't want to go either.  I want to find some support but I am totally sick of asking for help and all I get in return is doors slamming in my face.  I just can't do it all on my own anymore.  I feel so alone, so closed in, so helpless.

    I really hope you don't have as hard a battle as me and my family are still having now Oatie.  Keep your chin up - as people always tell me.

    Big hugs and thank you for sharing your story.  It is so reassuring to know there are other people like me out there. xx

Reply

  • Dear Oatie,

    I have just today, joined this community as I just do not know where to turn.  I feel completely on my own... I came across your post and, after reading through it, am sat here in tears as I feel I have finally found someone who understands how I feel.

    I too, have two children, two daughters aged 3 and 5.  My husband has finally (after eight long years of trying) been diagnosed with Aspergers/High-Functioning Autism - the psychiatrist couldn't 100% confirm which one as we couldn't establish exactly when my husband started to talk.  He also has learning disabilities and a speech problem.

    My husband has many issues to face daily but parenting our daughters is incredibly hard for him... he too plummeted seriously after the birth of our first child and it has just got worse and worse for us all ever since.

    The problem we are facing now is that after finally receiving a formal diagnoses, the psychiatrist has told us that our county PCT will not provide any further funding for support for people like my husband or families like ours.  They currently only provide a total of two assessments per month that five consultants must fight over... so my husband was incredibly lucky to receive one!  But after the assessment, there is nothing!  So we are back to square one really.  We now have a label for what is going on but STILL zero support!  I have tried to contact the health visitor for support but she was yet another person slamming a door in our faces.

    Our girls are really struggling to cope with 'Daddy and his brain that is not very well'.  It breaks my heart to see my husband so desperately wanting to be a good Dad but he just doesn't know how and no matter what I do to try and help and support him, nothing appears to work.

    I have often, though that life would be easier if we lived apart but my husband will not comprehend that it would just mean us living apart and not the end of our marriage.  I don't want to go either.  I want to find some support but I am totally sick of asking for help and all I get in return is doors slamming in my face.  I just can't do it all on my own anymore.  I feel so alone, so closed in, so helpless.

    I really hope you don't have as hard a battle as me and my family are still having now Oatie.  Keep your chin up - as people always tell me.

    Big hugs and thank you for sharing your story.  It is so reassuring to know there are other people like me out there. xx

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