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Advice about my partner

Oatcakes

This is a hard one and I am sorry because I have the utmost respect for how difficult life can be for people on the spectrum.

My partner has been told he is on the spectrum and scored quite highly when he did an assessment with the psychiatrist. He is now awaiting the full ASD assessment for more information etc. One of of children is also awaiting assessment at present.

One of the issues we have is that since the children were born my partner has found it harder and harder to cope with being a Dad. He admits he doesn't know how to respond appropriately and we have been receiving counseling from a great man who has specific training for NT/ASD couples.

However, after the meetings my partner still falls back into problematic behaviour. He understands what we have discussed and readily agrees with what needs to be done but seems unable to change his behaviour around the children. It's very upsetting and I want to guide him the best I can.

We have tried to do one thing at a time but after a few weeks he is making negative comments and being overly strict. His conflicting behaviour is confusing and frustrating one child and causing a loss of confidence in the other. Then my partner is upset because I am 'criticizing' him. I am actually doing my best to be constructive, giving examples, explaining that he himself wouldn't want to be treated in this way and saying I know it's very hard for him and will take time. Now he is waking me up at 5am to ask me if I still love him :(..it's tiring and heartbreaking.

I feel I am failing miserably with him and sometimes wonder if we would all be happier living apart. I don't want this (and neither does he) but I am worried about the long term effects on all our mental health if things carry on the way they are. Plus it's all making my partner very anxious and insecure, which is absolutely no good for him either. He doesn't understand why he cannot change when he really wants to. I make little lists, have tried texts, emails..made each task smaller and further apart but nothing seems to make any difference.

I feel terribly sad I cannot help him be the Dad he clearly wants to be but I also feel sad for the children because his comments and actions cause them distress on a daily basis.

Has anyone else found a solution to these types of issue, I am at the end of my tether here. :(

Oatie

 

 

Parents

  • I have AS and my partner feels very much like you do. I understand that our partners must feel very lonely at times but I think it is important for people to understand that this is not aquired behaviour nor are we being intentionlally obnoxious. I have a son on the spectrum and my wife has a daughter who is more classically autistic. My wife seems to think because I am an adult it should be easy to adapt and change just because with age you do become more able to rationalise. I understand that to you as a NT person it is natural for you put your children first but to some of us it is not as easy as that, we can't switch it off and the more you try to be something your not the more unstable you become.....it's just not something we can sustain. I hope this helps but feel free to ask anything.

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  • I have AS and my partner feels very much like you do. I understand that our partners must feel very lonely at times but I think it is important for people to understand that this is not aquired behaviour nor are we being intentionlally obnoxious. I have a son on the spectrum and my wife has a daughter who is more classically autistic. My wife seems to think because I am an adult it should be easy to adapt and change just because with age you do become more able to rationalise. I understand that to you as a NT person it is natural for you put your children first but to some of us it is not as easy as that, we can't switch it off and the more you try to be something your not the more unstable you become.....it's just not something we can sustain. I hope this helps but feel free to ask anything.

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