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Advice about my partner

Oatcakes

This is a hard one and I am sorry because I have the utmost respect for how difficult life can be for people on the spectrum.

My partner has been told he is on the spectrum and scored quite highly when he did an assessment with the psychiatrist. He is now awaiting the full ASD assessment for more information etc. One of of children is also awaiting assessment at present.

One of the issues we have is that since the children were born my partner has found it harder and harder to cope with being a Dad. He admits he doesn't know how to respond appropriately and we have been receiving counseling from a great man who has specific training for NT/ASD couples.

However, after the meetings my partner still falls back into problematic behaviour. He understands what we have discussed and readily agrees with what needs to be done but seems unable to change his behaviour around the children. It's very upsetting and I want to guide him the best I can.

We have tried to do one thing at a time but after a few weeks he is making negative comments and being overly strict. His conflicting behaviour is confusing and frustrating one child and causing a loss of confidence in the other. Then my partner is upset because I am 'criticizing' him. I am actually doing my best to be constructive, giving examples, explaining that he himself wouldn't want to be treated in this way and saying I know it's very hard for him and will take time. Now he is waking me up at 5am to ask me if I still love him :(..it's tiring and heartbreaking.

I feel I am failing miserably with him and sometimes wonder if we would all be happier living apart. I don't want this (and neither does he) but I am worried about the long term effects on all our mental health if things carry on the way they are. Plus it's all making my partner very anxious and insecure, which is absolutely no good for him either. He doesn't understand why he cannot change when he really wants to. I make little lists, have tried texts, emails..made each task smaller and further apart but nothing seems to make any difference.

I feel terribly sad I cannot help him be the Dad he clearly wants to be but I also feel sad for the children because his comments and actions cause them distress on a daily basis.

Has anyone else found a solution to these types of issue, I am at the end of my tether here. :(

Oatie

 

 

Parents

  • Thanks you for taking the trouble to reply, I had a really bad day on Friday and felt completely lost.

    I am going to order the NVC book through our library if possible, if not I will buy it as looking at the reviews it does seem to me that it could prove helpful for us all. Thank you.

    I tried hard today to get across what I actually needed from my partner and the day went much better because of it. We are both quite upset but managed to sort out some problems to make the weekend go better :) It took a lot of stress off me once I'd managed to explain to my OH that I desperately needed a break and in order to do this I needed him to x,y and z. I also managed to get him to accept a task that was causing me problems, without too much trouble (as long as he can remember what was discussed at a later point.)

    Memory of conversations is a big issue for us and he is reluctant to make notes and relies on me constantly reminding him. This is very hardwork for me as I have my own issues with memory due to a Neuro problem. I simply cannot remember everything for 2 kids, myself and my partner anymore. So I am trying to find ways that he can take some responsibility for his own tasks etc. 

    Has anyone else found a good workable method for getting their ASD partner to remember verbal conversations? 

    Thanks for being there I feel so lonely at times...not many people understand the complexities of adult ASD/NT relationships and my poor son is having a rough time at present too ...somedays it feels like there isn't enough of me to go round.

    Oatie

Reply

  • Thanks you for taking the trouble to reply, I had a really bad day on Friday and felt completely lost.

    I am going to order the NVC book through our library if possible, if not I will buy it as looking at the reviews it does seem to me that it could prove helpful for us all. Thank you.

    I tried hard today to get across what I actually needed from my partner and the day went much better because of it. We are both quite upset but managed to sort out some problems to make the weekend go better :) It took a lot of stress off me once I'd managed to explain to my OH that I desperately needed a break and in order to do this I needed him to x,y and z. I also managed to get him to accept a task that was causing me problems, without too much trouble (as long as he can remember what was discussed at a later point.)

    Memory of conversations is a big issue for us and he is reluctant to make notes and relies on me constantly reminding him. This is very hardwork for me as I have my own issues with memory due to a Neuro problem. I simply cannot remember everything for 2 kids, myself and my partner anymore. So I am trying to find ways that he can take some responsibility for his own tasks etc. 

    Has anyone else found a good workable method for getting their ASD partner to remember verbal conversations? 

    Thanks for being there I feel so lonely at times...not many people understand the complexities of adult ASD/NT relationships and my poor son is having a rough time at present too ...somedays it feels like there isn't enough of me to go round.

    Oatie

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