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Struggling!

Tabina

Hi

This is the first time I have posted here but after another "kick off" i thought I would see if anybody else has similar issues or ideas to help.

We have a daughter who is 11 nearly 12 - along with Autism she has mild cerebral palsy - which currently is less of an issue. 

For the last few years her behaviour has got worse with meltdowns over things she used to have no problems with, for example hospital appointments, haircuts and dentists, even swimming which is what set her off tonight. She is only happy when complaining to us and is constantly rude to people with the way she talks. Its almost like a trigger goes off and she tells herself she must have a meltdown, as that is what she does. I know her brain functions differently and obviously we explain things before doing something different but school have no problems with her at all - nothing - she attends mainstream and the teachers think she is wonderful, Its like she saves it for her family.

I sort of think its because she knows she can, as we will always love her and I know some of it is hormones but it really is draining and I wish there was a way to break the cycle as it does just seem to be a habbit if that is the right word.

We have had a chat tonight about her counting to 10 before she says/ acts on things to give herself a chance to decide if it needed or if to just carry on quietly but i am unsure if she will. It is hearbreaking to see her sobbing as she has got herself into such a state she doesn't know why or how to get herself out of it.

I really am at my witts end with what to do and also dreading a hair cut tomorrow ( the hairdresser has done my hair for nearly 20 years, at my MIL house and used to be able to cut my daughters hair until the last few years. Tomorrow is different tactics as I am hoping to do it under supervision - she has thick curly hair so not easy. I have also tried taking her to a salon, asking her if she would sooner have a man or lady, just have a trim, or have the works - her choice but she refuses all)

We also have a hosp appointment on Mon for a follow up after an op on her leg/knee 6 weeks ago but thats another story but lets say she needed sedating to get her out of the waiting room for the op.

Any advice of help will be much appreciated as things can't go on. I think I will also contact the paed and try to get an appointment to go without her so we can have a proper chat.

Parents

  • Hi Tabina, I had a phase of meltdowns, in which I knew that I was being totally unreasonable and over reacting, but was unable to stop myself. Someone was doing things which irritated me and it escalated to the intollerable.

    I took myself away to a quiet room and began to visualise myself as a volcano. I wrote down 10 stages leading to a full scale erruption. That is, smoke coming out of the cone, through lava flow to explosion with fire and lava bombs.

    I then wrote down the behaviours I had as the tension increased. These included, becoming tense, through nasty remarks, to screaming and shouting. I created 10 points showing increasing distress in me and equated them to the stages of the volcanic erruption.

    I then fixed a point prior to erruption, at which I had to walk away and be quiet, totally alone in the dark, to let things calm down again. I wrote down what had upset me, then , when calm, explained to those who were winding me up, what had gone wrong for me, and asked them to modify their behaviour to help me. It took time, but I got there and life became happier.

    You may be able to find something to which your daughter can relate, so that she can put the brakes on and get herself away from an escalating situation. Then she can perhaps work out what is going wrong and communicate more calmly.

Reply

  • Hi Tabina, I had a phase of meltdowns, in which I knew that I was being totally unreasonable and over reacting, but was unable to stop myself. Someone was doing things which irritated me and it escalated to the intollerable.

    I took myself away to a quiet room and began to visualise myself as a volcano. I wrote down 10 stages leading to a full scale erruption. That is, smoke coming out of the cone, through lava flow to explosion with fire and lava bombs.

    I then wrote down the behaviours I had as the tension increased. These included, becoming tense, through nasty remarks, to screaming and shouting. I created 10 points showing increasing distress in me and equated them to the stages of the volcanic erruption.

    I then fixed a point prior to erruption, at which I had to walk away and be quiet, totally alone in the dark, to let things calm down again. I wrote down what had upset me, then , when calm, explained to those who were winding me up, what had gone wrong for me, and asked them to modify their behaviour to help me. It took time, but I got there and life became happier.

    You may be able to find something to which your daughter can relate, so that she can put the brakes on and get herself away from an escalating situation. Then she can perhaps work out what is going wrong and communicate more calmly.

Children
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