Lately I have been fearing change. I always fear change, but it seems that recently I can't stop thinking about it. I want to keep doing the things I enjoy, I don't want them to stop now that they are part of my routine. I dread the time when outside events will prevent me from doing any one of my activities, I fear time itself.
Ambiguity and uncertainty are my biggest bugbears - I crave certainty and I need to know exactly what is happening, and when. I get obsessed with things and base my life around my interests - if things change and I can't access my interest anymore, reality itself starts to crumble, things lose their meaning, life becomes mundane and purposeless, and I feel like I am falling into a void. My whole life has been about clutching at straws, preventing change and things ending. I can begin things far easier than I can end them, although even the former is a slow process that involves a lot of procrastination. But once something is part of my routine, it becomes sacrosanct, and, the longer I have been doing something the harder it is to stop. I feel so, so anxious and scared about things changing.
How can I deal with change without it feeling like things are falling apart and that my whole carefully constructed system of order no longer exists?
