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Not sure if partner has AS or is just....uncaring

PollyK

It has been suggested to me, on hearing stories about my long term partner and I, that he has Aspergers. This has been suggested by people who are related to someone who has AS. I’ve read up on it in the last two and a half years and reading the signs, symptoms and stories from partners, it is like looking at a reflection of our relationship and I felt so comforted about his behaviour. 

But the only way to know for sure is for him to get a diagnosis and that’s not going to happen. Couldn’t even get him to get an x-ray when he had a suspected chest contusion following a car accident. 

Sometimes he is wonderful and nice but other times he is very controlling and if he doesn’t get his way, he responds badly. He has his reasons but he can’t see mine. He wants things done his way, according to his logic.

He is completely inappropriate. When I told him I was upset cos I saw a cat get killed he said “But you don’t like cats.”

He says offensive things to people but he indignantly exclaims “but it is true!” or “it is just an observation!”

He doesn’t seem to be malicious or mean, but he simply does not seem to understand.

His self esteem is completely non existent. He does do loving and kind things but he doesn’t deal with people well. I don’t know what to do.

I am scared about committing to him (as is he) because of how although he is a very good man, his "different" thinking causes him to treat people in a way that others find quite strange or unreasonable. 

Sorry for the long spiel. I guess I am not sure with what I am dealing with here.

  • Surely you should accept his personality, or leave him. It's his business, whether he has ASC or not.Maybe he had a diagnosis and chose not to tell you.

    Either way I don't see why you are fixated about whether he has Aspergers, or not.

    If you don't love him, leave him.

  • My partner has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers, at the age of 41. 

    Our son, aged 6, has recently been diagnosed with ASD and the more we have looked into ASD during his diagnoses and beyond, the more boxes my partner was ticking. His GP snuffed at the idea and actually said 'my nephew has aspergers and I'm telling you that you do not' fastforward 12 months and a diagnoses came from Sheffield Adult Autism Hospital.

    Since his diagnoses he has become very different, it's almost like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders and he has a new understanding (we both do) of his behaviour. He said to me that is was like a jigsaw being completed. He is now really very calm, and when he does get very uptight very quickly he takes the time to cool down and rationalise that this is ASD and not entirely reasonable behaviour. 

    Our relationship has been transformed, he is so much happier than I've ever known him and I've a whole new found respect for him (rather than thinking he was an uncaring, aggressive man, I now see the struggle). 

  • Maia I think you should write a book, I love your humour Smile

    Polly - I probably would have laughed at your partner's deadpan response to the cat incident (and I am a cat lover!) For me, the issue would be what "very controlling and if he doesn’t get his way, he responds badly" meant. That is a huge scope, from a foible you can laugh about when you have both calmed down, to bullying or violence.

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    Could you get him to do the free online at aspergerstest.net/.../ This is a fairly reliable indicator.

    Does he think that he has a problem or is he entirely comfortable with his life?

  • He does sound like it.

    My Dad is probably undiagnosed ASD, and he's been married for over 60 years (all to my mum!  Just to be clear...).  So it can be done.  I think general opinion is that it's very hard, especially if they are undiagnosed. Generally I think it's someone's right to say they don't want a diagnosis. But in this case it effects you too, so I think you should have an opinion.  Maybe read lots of stuff (maybe leave some of the positive ones around where he'll find them), get to understand him a bit more then decide if you can cope without a diagnosis?

    Good luck!