Published on 12, July, 2020
Who am I? I have little idea. I know what I am interested in, and I know what my strengths and weaknesses are, and what I like and dislike. I am often told that I am a very articulate and self-aware person.
However, most of my life has been an act. I have internalised multiple personas over the years, pretending to be someone I am not, regardless of whether this someone is real or a figment of my imagination. As an extreme example, once, when I was at school, I imitated the precise way a girl pouted her lip. I ended up pouting my lip, and must have looked quite ridiculous.
I try and imitate hair styles, dress styles, speech patterns, actions, almost anything. Sometimes this is very conscious, sometimes it is almost unconscious, but I am always aware that I am playing a part. Even when I am alone in my bedroom, I act 'through' others. Even my interests are often dictated by someone else, someone I admire or want to be like. It feels like I have no autonomy or 'self' that I can call my own; everything is stage managed.
My interests currently come and go, but I am only interested in one area of a subject, and find it hard to generalise my interest to related fields. I have always had this problem, but I am more aware of it now; it means that I find it hard to plan my life, decide what I want to do, and what I want to achieve in life.
I also get obsessed with certain people, and live my life 'through' them, often in fantasy.
Can anyone else relate to this lack of self, identity confusion?
Hope, you could be describing me exactly! I think I have always immitated people and when I am in the company of others it feels like I jump from one person I've known to the next. A long time before I was diagnosed I became aware that I could turn myself into another female person and copy their way of speaking and would copy their antics and everything. I didn't know why I did this but was just aware I did and it scared me a bit.
Often I would sit and watch other women and take notes of what I should do to appear more like a 'normal' person as in copy the way they held their hands, arms, walked, spoke etc. I would even grade myself at how well I was putting across these actions which I saw as things that would make me fit in better. Years later still not knowing I had Aspergers I began to realise that I was always like a different person in different scenarios and always to fit with what the people I was dealing with seemed like. As an older person now diagnosed I feel as though I can completely cover up my Aspergers by fitting myself into one of these roles depending on where I am but only for a short time and then people realise I'm a bit slow, odd or whatever.
I think I am happy most often when I am on my own but amongst others for example I enjoy going out for a coffee. I sit on my own and read a magazine but can feel so happy and upbeat especially in comparison to how I would feel going for a coffee with another person. I have no worries about what I'm saying and if the other person is enjoying my company and dealing with all that chatter in the head in connection with fitting in. I can just dream and read my magazine and look around and feel so good. I think this is when I am my real self maybe. Often I feel really happy like this and then I go somewhere and meet others and in an instant I can feel down just by someones reply to something I say. It doesn't take much to make me change from feeling good to feeling depressed.
Sometimes I prefer just to be myself and try to maintain that good feeling while it is there.
Wow, I was looking for some information about autism and identity problems and this, what you say here, is exactly what I feel as well. Especially the feeling of losing yourself (sense of self) in the presence of others is really relatable. :O
Never saw this kind of recognition.
Thank you