Hey, I am new to the forum. I feel like its about time I seek a little advice on how I have recently been feeling and would like to ask for advice, simular stories that dont make me feel like I am at such a loss in my personal life.
A couple of years ago around the age of 19 I heard my mum talking on the phone to a close friend, she said that she thought I most likely had Asperges Syndrome. I began to research Asperges a little and spoke to my mum in depth about it. We agreed that yes chances are I was high on the AS spectrum. I kind of put the subject to bed and accepted that some of my strange behaviors (and things that made me angry as a kid) were down to the fact my brain is wired slightly differently and never felt the need to take it any further.
Recently, now that I am 25 the subject has been arising in my life again, this year in particular. I saw a book at the airport called "The Autistic Brain" and instantly gravitated towards it. I didnt buy the book but I read a handful of pages and was fascinated by how much I could relate to the information in the book. It then spurred me to question myself in more depth than I had done previously in my life. Over the last 5 years I have worked in retail and gained a Masters degree in University. Issues have risen over that time that plague me! Ive never really felt normal, but the older I get and the more I come 'into my own' or participate in real life situations the more I am noticing how much I struggle, and how much I intentionally adjust to situations.
Ive always thought that I could read a person well, I could tell if a person was lying, upset, angry or whatever. Then I began to think about myself in those situations and I realised that I dont read people well at all. What I am good at is being intuitive and feeling an atmosphere. I could walk into a room blindly and pick up on the atmosphere. I has nothing to do with my eyes reading another persons non-verbal communication.
Through University I lived at home as moving just overwhelms me. It took my nearly 2 years to find 1 person I would call a friend, now thankfully I have about 4 people from University that are friends but now that Uni has come to an end I know our friendships will too, as I did not bond with them like they bonded together.
I have always struggled with expressing myself, I can have a number of conversations in my head about what I want to say to a person but as soon as it comes to talking about nearly anything in a real life situation I cannot find words. If a person is upset, I am a 'doer'. Ill go a grab some tissues and hand them over like a robot. Words fail me, physical contact fails me. It is only after I leave the situation that I find the words I would have said, or I share that persons feelings.... and often those feelings are intense.
I have little to no social friends. I have acquaintances and I bond well with others through sport but outside of the work place or playing field I constantly find myself alone. I dont necessarily want much social interaction or many friends, but my complete lack of friends often makes me sad and I feel lonely. I feel ready for a partner in my life, but I am also struggling with my sexuality which is making the whole process even more difficult. I have nobody to talk any of this through with. I am close to my parents but I cannot talk about this with them in depth. Im starting to feel like my lack of self expression is affecting the relationships I do have with people... i.e in the work place, those people mean a lot to me, but I am struggling to be honest about who I am and also justify why my behavior is sometimes odd, or why they might find me a nightmare. The space around me is just being filled with all the things I dont say.
I worry over the smallest details and I feel its more of a control issue than anything else. This is one of the things I am only just becoming aware of. I am only just becoming self aware, yet I thought I was pretty self aware! I have many symptoms of AS that I could ramble on about but now I am in my adult life I feel it is affecting me socially than it ever has, or that I have ever realised.
Does all this sound like I have AS to you? Would you think its beneficial for me to seek a diagnosis? How are other AS adults dealing with similar situations?
