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No friends

Hope

Are there any other people on this forum with Asperger's who literally have no friends at this point in time, and that includes being in a relationship?

I have had friends before, but not since I was 11 years old, and the friendships I had as a child usually broke down after only a few weeks. I have a history of struggling to maintain friendships, although they were enjoyable while they lasted, but once I started secondary school, making friends became completely insurmountable. I became a loner, the kid no-one talked to, and I amused myself. Not that I really minded this at the time, because I had my own interests to fall back on, and I soon came to the conclusion that small talk was too difficult, pointless, and often boring. Why bother with something that is so difficult and made me feel so stupid and tense?

However recently I have started to question whether or not I should try and make friends again. I do like company, and I don't want to spend my life alone. I want to have a soul-mate, someone I can enjoy life with, and go places with. However I need a lot of time alone as well - this is my conundrum.

Is it normal within the world of AS not to have any friends at all? At school I was excluded from friendship groups because I did not speak enough, or was too clingy!. I tried my hardest to fit in; I took on the quiet 'good girl' persona, but this did not work, so I became troublesome and annoyed people to get some social feedback. Obviously this just meant that  I was singled out as weird and strange, but no one told me how to navigate the social world (I was not diagnosed until I was 21).

Although I was lucky in the sense I was not overtly bullied (I was just a loner and removed myself from the crowd), the experience of being alone while other girls chatted and laughed together has left me with an inferiority complex. I often feel diminutive both literally (I am very small anyway) and figuratively; there is a feeling that I am diseased, dirty, and completely unlikeable. Most of the time these feelings are repressed, but theu come to the surface from time to time - a legacy of social exclusion.

Am I the only one who has not had a 'friend' since childhood, if at all?

Parents

  • Hi Hope,

    I think it depends on what you mean by friends.

    Friends are usually described as people you can confide in, share your troubles with, ask favours of, go on holiday with, people with whom you have common interests and activities, can laugh with and cry with. That's my impression anyway.

    I don't think I've had that kind of friend. However I know lots of people, some better than others, usually based on and restricted to some kind of commonality, but I couldn't decribe them in relation to the previous paragraph. My mobile phone is off most of the time, and only has numbers of close family, with whom I mostly communicate by landline. I don't have a network of people to justify daily use of a mobile phone.

    I have people I correspond with a lot. At times I've known people who'll give me lifts or help out. I have a big Christmas card list, mostly people I've not met for decades.

    Where it gets me hardest though is I don't have anyone, except close family, I could call on for help. That's partly down to me. I think more people might help if I was better at asking. I'm not good at social interaction, and am wary of getting involved. So that's my fault I guess.

    I think friends like NTs have is hard to achieve. It needs that ability to share a private joke or opinion or spin on life. I don't think autistic spectrum lets you do that.

    I'm probably lucky. I get involved in a lot of things outside, including voluntary work, especially regarding disability, so that gives me a circle of acquaintances. It just doesn't give me NT type friends.

    Don't know if that insight helps, but its my perspective.

Reply

  • Hi Hope,

    I think it depends on what you mean by friends.

    Friends are usually described as people you can confide in, share your troubles with, ask favours of, go on holiday with, people with whom you have common interests and activities, can laugh with and cry with. That's my impression anyway.

    I don't think I've had that kind of friend. However I know lots of people, some better than others, usually based on and restricted to some kind of commonality, but I couldn't decribe them in relation to the previous paragraph. My mobile phone is off most of the time, and only has numbers of close family, with whom I mostly communicate by landline. I don't have a network of people to justify daily use of a mobile phone.

    I have people I correspond with a lot. At times I've known people who'll give me lifts or help out. I have a big Christmas card list, mostly people I've not met for decades.

    Where it gets me hardest though is I don't have anyone, except close family, I could call on for help. That's partly down to me. I think more people might help if I was better at asking. I'm not good at social interaction, and am wary of getting involved. So that's my fault I guess.

    I think friends like NTs have is hard to achieve. It needs that ability to share a private joke or opinion or spin on life. I don't think autistic spectrum lets you do that.

    I'm probably lucky. I get involved in a lot of things outside, including voluntary work, especially regarding disability, so that gives me a circle of acquaintances. It just doesn't give me NT type friends.

    Don't know if that insight helps, but its my perspective.

Children
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