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MakerPaul

Hi,

This is my first post here and I'm in a bit of a mess mentally and emotionally at the moment.

I'm a 56yo man living in the UK, married with kids. About a year ago I was diagnosed with adhd, and around 10 weeks ago I was diagnosed as high functioning autistic. Both of these were through the "Right to choose" system.

My journey to getting a diagnosis was a bit convoluted as autism and adhd was never mentioned to me until our daughter was born. My wife had a child before we met and my wife knew something wasn't right from the moment she was born. It took 5 years of back and forth with the Nhs to figure out her autism diagnosis. And thankfully since then she's had a lot of help with schooling and now life skills training.

However, when me and my wife had our daughter, my wife had similar thoughts about autism again, even though they were totally different behaviours this time. Once again autism was diagnosed at around 10y old. And she's been getting help ever since (around 4 years now and is doing amazingly well).

At this point my wife started questioning her role in the autism issue and she was diagnosed around 3 years ago. For her it was just to give her an answer to why she is the way she is and it's helped her figure herself out.

And then it was my turn to go through this because I've had a few mental health issues in the past but it was always put down to stressful situations (obviously now I realise it was burnout).

My entire life I've never been out of work, unless I've chosen to be so I could do other things outside of the job. I think I've had around 20 different jobs, everything from plastering to aerospace metalwork to car salesman and my current position of being a manager running delivery hub with 20+ staff and vans. But every job up until this point has ended the same. Something changes in me and my resilience to all the stress fades, I burn out and had to move on to the next thing.

Which brings me to the last 10 weeks of my life. The moment the doctor confirmed my autism diagnosis i felt a wave of emotions, anger, sadness, grief and understanding that I wasn't just a bit odd, there was actually something different about me. While on the call  the doctors asked me how I was feeling and I just said I felt like crying. I hung up and just broke down. And since then I've been questioning everything about myself and my past issues, things I've done and things I'm doing now. My emotional resilience is practically nothing and i find myself welliing up frequently. My ability to make rational decisions has also declined and I did something stupid at work yesterday that could potentially get me terminated from my job.

I'm also dealing with new neighbours that have damaged our home and and created a leaking roof problem, so I feel like I don't have a safe space at home at the moment either.

I've spoken to my wife about this, but she doesn't really understand why I'm feeling like this, because for her it was a lightbulb moment,  but for me it felt like an earthquake, I was always the one with a plan  the one that could figure it out, that could fix everything, solve the problem. But now I can't stop crying.

I've already spoken to my doctors and they're signed me off work for 2 weeks and upped my dosage of antidepressant which I have to collect this morning.

Right now my life feels like each part of it is a dish or plate and I've loaded everything into a washing machine and set it running and it's just smashing everything to peices and I don't know where to go from here.

If you're still reading this at this point, I'd appreciate any suggestions on what do do next.

Thank you

Parents

  • Hi there MakerPaul, and thank you for reaching out.  It may not feel like much, but it's very courageous of you to type this all out and share it.

    Getting an autism diagnosis, especially later in life, can be a rollercoaster of emotions like you described in your post - understanding mixed with grief, etc.  For others it can be a "lightbulb moment" as you said it was for your wife, but everyone experiences their diagnosis very differently.  Please know that you aren't alone in struggling to come to terms with it and looking back on your life in a different light now.  Many members here on the online community have shared similar experiences, so I am sure that they will be able to offer you some reassurance and guidance.

    It's great to hear that you have spoken to your doctor already, and I hope the time away from work and medication help to ease how you're feeling.  Sometimes all that is needed is a short break to gather your thoughts without the added pressure of work responsibilities on top.

    I would like you direct you to a few NAS guidance pages, if that's alright with you.

    After Diagnosis - There is a lot of information here for people following their diagnosis, including how to navigate what you might feel, and how to look for formal support, if you feel like that is something you would like to explore.

    Employment - Here you can find information on support you can get at work, including how to request any reasonable adjustments, and what to do if you're having problems at work.

    There is also the Autism Services Directory.  This allows you to search for support and services in your area specifically made for, or tailored to be suitable for autistic people.  You can search for support groups and branches, counselling and therapies, information and advocacy services, among many others.

    I hope this information is helpful to you, and I am wishing you all the very best and kind and gentle days to come.  Take care of yourself, and remember that the online community will always be here to listen and offer support, if you would like to post again and let us know how things are going.

    - Nicola Mod

Reply

  • Hi there MakerPaul, and thank you for reaching out.  It may not feel like much, but it's very courageous of you to type this all out and share it.

    Getting an autism diagnosis, especially later in life, can be a rollercoaster of emotions like you described in your post - understanding mixed with grief, etc.  For others it can be a "lightbulb moment" as you said it was for your wife, but everyone experiences their diagnosis very differently.  Please know that you aren't alone in struggling to come to terms with it and looking back on your life in a different light now.  Many members here on the online community have shared similar experiences, so I am sure that they will be able to offer you some reassurance and guidance.

    It's great to hear that you have spoken to your doctor already, and I hope the time away from work and medication help to ease how you're feeling.  Sometimes all that is needed is a short break to gather your thoughts without the added pressure of work responsibilities on top.

    I would like you direct you to a few NAS guidance pages, if that's alright with you.

    After Diagnosis - There is a lot of information here for people following their diagnosis, including how to navigate what you might feel, and how to look for formal support, if you feel like that is something you would like to explore.

    Employment - Here you can find information on support you can get at work, including how to request any reasonable adjustments, and what to do if you're having problems at work.

    There is also the Autism Services Directory.  This allows you to search for support and services in your area specifically made for, or tailored to be suitable for autistic people.  You can search for support groups and branches, counselling and therapies, information and advocacy services, among many others.

    I hope this information is helpful to you, and I am wishing you all the very best and kind and gentle days to come.  Take care of yourself, and remember that the online community will always be here to listen and offer support, if you would like to post again and let us know how things are going.

    - Nicola Mod

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