TW
I'm currently sitting on the edge of my sofa bed at my parents' house in Cornwall, with tears in my eyes. Just a few days ago, I was in Glasgow, living with my partner of almost five years.
We had been working on my website together. She was kissing me, telling me how proud she was of the progress I'd made. Later that day, we were making love and telling each other we loved each other. We were making plans for Christmas, talking about getting married and looking at houses.
Just two days later, she was looking me in the eye and telling me she didn't love me anymore.
I honestly cannot begin to describe what that did to me. I experienced the biggest autistic meltdown I've ever had. I was screaming, had to be restrained, and much of what happened afterwards is a blur. I still feel as though I'm waiting to wake up and discover it was all a nightmare.
Now I'm back in Cornwall, living in a small annexe at my parents' house. No partner, no home of my own, no friends, no job and no real direction in life.
Perhaps one of the hardest things is that I simply cannot understand how this happened. How can someone be telling you they love you, making love to you and talking about your future together, and then just two days later say they don't love you anymore? I keep going over everything in my head, trying to find an explanation or something I missed. I don't know whether she had been feeling this way for a long time or whether something changed. I just cannot make sense of it.
I've always struggled with relationships, largely because of my autism and the anxiety and overthinking that come with it. From the beginning, I was terrified that the relationship would eventually end because of something I'd said or done.
Looking back, I think that fear may have put a strain on things. For example, when she became upset, she needed space and wanted to be left alone. But I found that incredibly difficult because I would become consumed by thoughts about what she was thinking and whether she was going to leave me. I now torture myself thinking about all the times I should have given her the space she asked for. I feel as though my fear of losing her may have contributed to losing her.
I've also struggled to find work and to make a life for myself. I honestly don't feel as though I understand how to 'do life' in the way other people seem to. I've never had a particularly strong support network, and relationships have been the only times I've really felt that I wasn't alone.
I'm nearly 42, and I cannot bear the thought of spending the rest of my life without someone to share it with. I want the ordinary things that most people probably take for granted: someone to hold hands with, cuddle, talk to, come home to and make plans with. I even feel lonely when I'm with my own family.
I'm struggling with this so badly that I've been having thoughts about not wanting to be alive. I've seen my doctor and he’s already put me on diazepam, but I honestly don't know where to go from here.
I don't know what I'm going to do now.
