I'm an autistic adult male. I lost my Mom after a long illness last month. I loved her. I will always miss her, and I'm grateful to have had her. However, now I don't have her care to think of, I've had space to think about who's important to me, who I don't want to ever lose, and finally work out my sexuality.
Met a guy, Mr. A, in the mid-2000s. He seemed very friendly, but he turned out to be fake friendly - one of these party friends who aren't your real friends, though at first I thought he was fantastic and idealised him. He'd expect me to turn up to his events but wouldn't reply to mine - only when they happened to be a place where the rest of the party people went. My other friends were much more flexible. Over the years, I never had many proper conversations with him beyond the OTT hug when I first arrived at the karaokes he ran. When I did, they'd largely involve him taking the mick out of me. For example, I used to do amateur dramatics / community theatre, and he'd say at the table, "What's the funniest line of this show you're in?" and I could tell that the intention was for me to say something out of context so he could lead the sarcastic laughter, so I'd get up to leave but he'd insist I sat down again so I'd just humour him. At a barbecue once, he and a group of people once sat near to me, laughing about me as though I wasn't there. Once, I had a lift home with him, his brother (the driver) and others and I asked to be dropped off a short walk from home because my home was a little out of the way for the driver. Years later, at that barbecue, it got reframed as me being ashamed of them, which they found hilarious and I got the impression it had been an in-joke for years. My theatre groups have put on shows of famous stories and TV comedies and I've played non-typical characters from those shows, and at that barbecue, it was an in-joke that, "He played a scarecrow in Jack and the Beanstalk," "What's he playing in Aladdin, the robot?" Sounds harmless, and even petty, but it was irritating and they seemed to find it all the most hilarious thing ever, with Mr. A as the main perpetrator, and they were rolling drunk too. They'd obviously been all talking about all this for years.
Whenever I see Mr. A, I feel pressured to drink and put on a false masculine version of myself. I'll always find myself in a situation where I'm being watched trying to swallow a whole pint in one gulp. One of Mr. A's observations of me once was that, "I know you're not gay because of that time you dry-humped that girl in the gutter." Er, no, that actually didn't happen. But you believe what you like if it makes me more amusing. All of this was years ago, and I've not had much to do with that group in recent years, but part of me still idealises him like I used to, so I still invite him to things occasionally, and am in WhatsApp group with him and the other 'party people.' He never responds. He's not annoyed me enough to confront him over his behaviour, at least while I've had an ability to stand up for myself, but every time I do invite him somewhere, I wonder whether it was wise. Last year, I was diagnosed with autism, and I told him so in June, as I was in a drunk, happy, idealising mood. His response? "Oh, so that's why you're weird," much to the amusement of all present. He hasn't changed, and if I'm remembering correctly, he was part of mocking a woman with Down's Syndrome at that karaoke he ran, though he may not have been there at that point. I'm trying to be fair to him.
I met a lady, Ms B, in 2014, loosely associated with Mr. A's group though I've never seen them together. We flirted, I'd send her naughty texts, she bought me a naughty gift, but I'd ask her out and get no reply, then a few weeks later, she'd text me asking how I am. Rinse and repeat, apart from there only being one naughty gift. One time, I sent her a voucher code for some wine, probably naively, and she responded that I was the most generous man she ever met but she couldn't accept them. I stopped contacting her, deleted her number, and a month later I got a text from her saying, "I love you." The cycle started again, with me keeping in touch, asking her out, getting no response only for her to keep coming back. I'd see her on her birthday and my birthday, a few times she did meet me individually for a 'catch-up', one time when she couldn't make my birthday because I'm, "important." We flirted once in front of her mother, I was practically lying on top of her, and her mother said, "Oi, you two, stop it." She's done questionable things to me in public, but one time she asked for a catch-up with me a female friend of hers I hadn't met, and this new person for some reason offered to show me pictures of her intimate body parts, which I didn't really need to see, but I did burst out laughing. Ms B cut in and said, "No, don't, this boy can't cope." Ms B sent me texts saying how much she "adores" me, how I've helped her through tough times, and thanked me for my consistency in her life. When I do see her, she seems genuinely excited to see me, and is always saying she misses me, but I only see her twice a year! I once texted saying I missed her, and we arranged a phone call and I had a nice chat with her and her kids. Another time, I said conversationally over text that I didn't know her too well, she replied, "Sorry, I don't let everyone in," and a couple of days later I had to say to her that I didn't want her secrets but I was upset at being in the 'everyone' category. She responded that she'd been in a bad mood that day and that I was wonderful in every way. I've been on dating sites and seen people with her texts in the background. Bored? Send Ms B a message saying she's beautiful. It's a habit.
Mom died last month.
Ms B was in the WhatsApp group I set up at 2:45am to let people know, containing all my most important friends. She sent me lovely text messages sending condolences.
Mr. A puts in his WhatsApp group, "Look who popped into [pub name]." It's a picture of him and Ms B. I text her to say I saw it, pretty much in the manner I'd say I saw her from a bus window. She did a shrug emoji, and said he's a "sweet" man. I then remembered that I'd been invited to that pub in recent weeks by Mr. A and noticed that it was too far to travel to for someone with his attitude. It's certainly not local - but Ms B had been there to meet him!
I sent a long text telling Ms B how important she was, I layed it on thick, and added a few expletives for effect. I asked to meet her because I missed her. I was nervous about the response, didn't check my phone for a whole day, but when I did, I saw her response that she and another friend, Ms C, had been worried about me and wanted to meet me. She'd taken my message not as evidence of how I feel, even though I'd very clearly said so, but as evidence of me feeling slightly better after my bereavement - and she'd changed her WhatsApp picture to one of her and Mr. A. Also, I didn't want to see her with Ms C for bereavement support! I responded, ironically at 2:45am, to say she didn't understand my text, to say I couldn't maintain a friendship that was text only, that I wasn't ChatGPT, that I'd got feelings for her but I can't express them because I don't know how and other things I can't remember. I deleted and blocked. At around 10:30am, I unblocked, and said I didn't know whether I was gay or straight, and now I had time to think about stuff like that now I'd finished caring for Mom, that I couldn't talk to her about it because someone who'd mock me about it publicly might find out, and about what he'd said to me about my autism ("So that's why you're weird.") Ms B has three autistic children! I said this new association changed things drastically between us, blocked, and gave my e-mail to contact me in a few weeks. I was in a very emotional state as it would have been Mom's birthday. I went to Town to light candles in two churches for Mom, and ended up blubbing to a priest. I'll always remember him.
We've had Mom's funeral now. I'm thinking now that if she'd met Mr. Wonderful and I got on well with him, it could deepen my friendship with Ms B - but I just can't take someone I can potentially be myself in front of in ways I've never been myself before being with someone who I feel the need to present a false version of myself to. Maybe I freaked in the same way I freaked when my boss wanted me to change my office because she felt I was interrupted too much. That change affected neurodivergent me so much I got shingles, and the Mr. A - Ms B thing seems like a significant change. I'm also a bit protective of Ms B. Romance? Possibly. Big brother dynamic? More likely, as I've known her a long time.
Do I owe her a grovelling apology? Was I just motivated by my Mom saying in the nursing home just before she died, "You get yourself a girlfriend." Given this, was it just misguided behaviour based on the fact it was Mom's birthday and she'd said that to me? I was planning on saying something to Ms B anyway, but was going to wait until after Mom's funeral, but seeing that WhatsApp picture made things more urgent, but I immediately realised I didn't have the capacity for a reply and blocked.
Why the hell am I being like this about people I hardly see? I have friends I see way more often who cause less drama and confusion!
