Hi everyone, I'm new here and would really appreciate some honest perspectives from both autistic people and their partners.
My husband and I have been together for over 20 years. Through couples counselling, we began recognising possible autism in him and ADHD in me, although neither of us has a formal diagnosis. Understanding this initially helped explain a lot of our difficulties, but I'm now wondering whether we've become so focused on accommodating his autism that my own emotional needs are getting overlooked.
This weekend is a good example.
We had a fairly ordinary disagreement over something in the fridge. I was irritated and probably spoke more sharply than I should have, which I can acknowledge.
Afterwards, my husband became withdrawn, quiet and quite short with me. From my perspective, it felt like he was sulking or angry with me, although he has since explained that he was overwhelmed and shutting down.
I did ask whether he wanted to talk, but he said no. The atmosphere continued for the rest of the day, and I became increasingly hurt, frustrated and emotionally overwhelmed myself.
He's since explained that when he shuts down, questions are too much for him and what he really needs is for me to approach him, hold him, reassure him and be his "anchor" until he feels able to communicate.
And this is where I'm struggling.
How can I be his anchor when the way he's looking at me, speaking to me and withdrawing is making me feel rejected and pushed away?
By that point, I'm emotionally struggling too. I need reassurance and connection just as much as he does.
We've previously discussed him giving me a very simple signal, even written on his phone, such as "I need space", "I need quiet" or "I need a cuddle". But that hasn't been put into practice, so I'm left trying to guess whether he's simply annoyed with me or genuinely overwhelmed.
I genuinely want to understand and support him, and I'm not suggesting he can simply switch off a shutdown. But I also feel there needs to be some responsibility on his side to recognise warning signs, communicate where possible and understand the emotional impact his withdrawal has on me.
These situations leave me overthinking for days, feeling anxious, physically stressed and emotionally exhausted.
He also said that if I sit quietly with him and reassure him, eventually he'll feel safe enough to start talking "on his own terms when he's ready".
I completely understand that he may not be able to talk until he's ready, and I wouldn't want to force him. But I struggle with the expectation that I should sit there for however long that takes, putting my own feelings aside, especially when I'm already upset by what's happened.
Surely it's reasonable for me to say, "I understand you need time, but I'm hurting too. Let's both take some space and come back together when we're ready"?
I want to respect his need for time without feeling that my own emotional needs and boundaries no longer matter.
My question is: how do couples find a middle ground when one partner needs closeness and reassurance during overwhelm, but their behaviour has left the other partner feeling hurt and unable to offer it?
Is it reasonable to ask for agreed signals and for both partners to work on adapting to each other's needs?
I'd genuinely appreciate hearing from both sides, because I don't want either of us to feel misunderstood or unsupported. I just don't think one person's needs should consistently come at the expense of the other's.
