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Autistic shutdowns in marriage – where do both partners' emotional needs fit in?

Martha123

Hi everyone, I'm new here and would really appreciate some honest perspectives from both autistic people and their partners.

My husband and I have been together for over 20 years. Through couples counselling, we began recognising possible autism in him and ADHD in me, although neither of us has a formal diagnosis. Understanding this initially helped explain a lot of our difficulties, but I'm now wondering whether we've become so focused on accommodating his autism that my own emotional needs are getting overlooked.

This weekend is a good example.

We had a fairly ordinary disagreement over something in the fridge. I was irritated and probably spoke more sharply than I should have, which I can acknowledge.

Afterwards, my husband became withdrawn, quiet and quite short with me. From my perspective, it felt like he was sulking or angry with me, although he has since explained that he was overwhelmed and shutting down.

I did ask whether he wanted to talk, but he said no. The atmosphere continued for the rest of the day, and I became increasingly hurt, frustrated and emotionally overwhelmed myself.

He's since explained that when he shuts down, questions are too much for him and what he really needs is for me to approach him, hold him, reassure him and be his "anchor" until he feels able to communicate.

And this is where I'm struggling.

How can I be his anchor when the way he's looking at me, speaking to me and withdrawing is making me feel rejected and pushed away?

By that point, I'm emotionally struggling too. I need reassurance and connection just as much as he does.

We've previously discussed him giving me a very simple signal, even written on his phone, such as "I need space", "I need quiet" or "I need a cuddle". But that hasn't been put into practice, so I'm left trying to guess whether he's simply annoyed with me or genuinely overwhelmed.

I genuinely want to understand and support him, and I'm not suggesting he can simply switch off a shutdown. But I also feel there needs to be some responsibility on his side to recognise warning signs, communicate where possible and understand the emotional impact his withdrawal has on me.

These situations leave me overthinking for days, feeling anxious, physically stressed and emotionally exhausted.

He also said that if I sit quietly with him and reassure him, eventually he'll feel safe enough to start talking "on his own terms when he's ready".

I completely understand that he may not be able to talk until he's ready, and I wouldn't want to force him. But I struggle with the expectation that I should sit there for however long that takes, putting my own feelings aside, especially when I'm already upset by what's happened.

Surely it's reasonable for me to say, "I understand you need time, but I'm hurting too. Let's both take some space and come back together when we're ready"?

I want to respect his need for time without feeling that my own emotional needs and boundaries no longer matter.

My question is: how do couples find a middle ground when one partner needs closeness and reassurance during overwhelm, but their behaviour has left the other partner feeling hurt and unable to offer it?

Is it reasonable to ask for agreed signals and for both partners to work on adapting to each other's needs?

I'd genuinely appreciate hearing from both sides, because I don't want either of us to feel misunderstood or unsupported. I just don't think one person's needs should consistently come at the expense of the other's.

Parents

  • Whoa okay, I feel like I can totally understand his point of view based on my own experiences, not to say you are unreasonable in any way. I’m AuDHD and my wife is NT (though possibly some anxiety and OCD) and before my diagnosis she despised that my reaction to disagreements was to “run and hide.” I even had a few times early in our relationship where I would just leave during distressful arguments and drive around the neighborhood to calm down without informing her what I was doing. That particularly was not healthy. On top of feeling shut down due to overstimulation/overthinking, I tend to react to feelings of anger with immense sorrow and anxiety, which could potentially have something to do with trauma but I’m not sure about that. I haven’t unpacked that particular issue with a therapist yet, lol.

    To be honest, while I recognize that this is certainly a struggle for you, it sounds as if you and him are already on the path to healing and communication, just not at the end destination yet. So definitely do not give up; You’ve probably already come to a deeper understanding of each other than many NT/ND couples ever get to. I’m overjoyed to hear that you both have already done couples’ counseling, as I would’ve suggested that if you hadn’t mentioned it.

    That being said, it appears you’ve reached a great point of understanding while he has room to grow. Yes, I think it is wise to set boundaries where he can at least attempt to communicate so both your needs are met. For me, it started with my wife clearly determining that running away from our property without informing her is not acceptable as it could be a safety concern (particularly since I am a suicide risk). That was a baby step, but it helped me to recognize that no matter how much I break down I need to at least communicate what I plan to do in order to reset my emotions/energy back to normal.

    You could also establish a short activity to associate with distress. For example, when I feel suicidal inclinations coming on, I’ve trained myself to do word searches on my phone. I only do word searches when I’m distressed. The good thing is that distracts me for a moment to allow my brain to reset and while it does not solve the issue at hand, it does give me a chance to return to the distressing situation with a clearer mind. Also, when my wife sees me doing word searches she’s realized that’s a nonverbal sign that I am not in a good state and likely I could use help. Perhaps you and your husband could establish short, independent activities that essentially allow for a five-ten minute break, then you could figure out afterwards if the discussion can be continued or if you both need more time alone before addressing problems.

    I agree that it is important for both of your needs to be met, not just his. That’s only possible through communication, and unfortunately that means he needs to be just as willing to change as you are. It may be wise to continue or return to couples’ counseling, since I see the primary function of that being to assist with communication. I hope my advice helps, but if you take away one thing: Based on what you’ve shared, I believe you both are already making great strides towards achieving the goal of conflict resolution in the relationship. (do note I’m not a professional counselor by any means, so take my advice as you will)

Reply

  • Whoa okay, I feel like I can totally understand his point of view based on my own experiences, not to say you are unreasonable in any way. I’m AuDHD and my wife is NT (though possibly some anxiety and OCD) and before my diagnosis she despised that my reaction to disagreements was to “run and hide.” I even had a few times early in our relationship where I would just leave during distressful arguments and drive around the neighborhood to calm down without informing her what I was doing. That particularly was not healthy. On top of feeling shut down due to overstimulation/overthinking, I tend to react to feelings of anger with immense sorrow and anxiety, which could potentially have something to do with trauma but I’m not sure about that. I haven’t unpacked that particular issue with a therapist yet, lol.

    To be honest, while I recognize that this is certainly a struggle for you, it sounds as if you and him are already on the path to healing and communication, just not at the end destination yet. So definitely do not give up; You’ve probably already come to a deeper understanding of each other than many NT/ND couples ever get to. I’m overjoyed to hear that you both have already done couples’ counseling, as I would’ve suggested that if you hadn’t mentioned it.

    That being said, it appears you’ve reached a great point of understanding while he has room to grow. Yes, I think it is wise to set boundaries where he can at least attempt to communicate so both your needs are met. For me, it started with my wife clearly determining that running away from our property without informing her is not acceptable as it could be a safety concern (particularly since I am a suicide risk). That was a baby step, but it helped me to recognize that no matter how much I break down I need to at least communicate what I plan to do in order to reset my emotions/energy back to normal.

    You could also establish a short activity to associate with distress. For example, when I feel suicidal inclinations coming on, I’ve trained myself to do word searches on my phone. I only do word searches when I’m distressed. The good thing is that distracts me for a moment to allow my brain to reset and while it does not solve the issue at hand, it does give me a chance to return to the distressing situation with a clearer mind. Also, when my wife sees me doing word searches she’s realized that’s a nonverbal sign that I am not in a good state and likely I could use help. Perhaps you and your husband could establish short, independent activities that essentially allow for a five-ten minute break, then you could figure out afterwards if the discussion can be continued or if you both need more time alone before addressing problems.

    I agree that it is important for both of your needs to be met, not just his. That’s only possible through communication, and unfortunately that means he needs to be just as willing to change as you are. It may be wise to continue or return to couples’ counseling, since I see the primary function of that being to assist with communication. I hope my advice helps, but if you take away one thing: Based on what you’ve shared, I believe you both are already making great strides towards achieving the goal of conflict resolution in the relationship. (do note I’m not a professional counselor by any means, so take my advice as you will)

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