Limerence and RSD - the real nightmare

I found out about limerence about a year ago and was at first devastated to realise this was me, and then, I will be honest, relieved.For years I thought it was something else really messing me up and causing me such pain, especially when I was watching my peers have real relationships in a completely different universe to mine. However, one thing finding out about it has done, is stop the blame game. I used to blame myself and because I did not know what it was, feel very powerless. So it controlled me. Now I know what it is, and a part of being autistic (for me) I can stand back more from it and accept it as a part of myself and - most essentially - control it. ATM I am quite isolated so I don't see my limerence people very often. So I am not in the same position as you - which for you, must be so hard to cope with. I think what worked for me was learning not to define myself by it and learning not to fight it. I regularly think of people I have limerent feelings for. Or what I define as limerent. However, I now just acknowledge or accept the feelings, try to rationalise it( which is a skill which needs practice  I think) and carry on. If I think I might see the person though, I can really just focus on that at the expense of all else. That's when I have to refer to some strategies I have in place to redirect myself. These can be even be written down ones. Sometimes it works, some times it doesn't. I also have really bad RSD. About everyone and everything. So when that happens, I find it helpful to check in with others to see what they think - whether my RSD is based on paranoia for example,  because sometimes it is. Or I have to find ways to redirect my tendency to catastrophize. It isn't easy. And it is painful to experience, like actual pain. The only way I have found to cope with this is to try not to let it define my whole experience. Before I was diagnosed as autistic and knew about RSD and limerence, I was in and out of therapy and walking away from lots of NHS therapy which wasn't helping - but once I could put a name to what I was experiencing, I stopped blaming myself and stopped feeling as ashamed. Some autistic people and other NDs and also NTs experience things really, really intensely. And there is nothing wrong with that. RSD can be a problem when it hinders a person standing up for themselves and their boundaries. I have it really badly and I walk away from people rather than challenge them, or mask or in fact, stop speaking to them.I think the best thing is to try and work out strategies before things like limerence and RSD hit, so you can try and redirect yourself and your thoughts and your feelings. I wish I could be more helpful - to you and myself and others the same. It is hard. With limerence, I guess you can think about it as positive energy. And just try to redirect it towards something more positive.

Thank you for sharing that,  verityphoenix . And sorry for the late reply. It's good to know I'm not alone, however I can't say I knew it before. I do of course recognise it from the past though.

I actually had a nice chat with her the other morning and she offered to chat any time. That is the strange thing. My mind will race with thoughts of her when she's not around, but chat to her and I don't have the deep thoughts. I just like her company then.

I think that last point is the worst thing about it. It's taken a young woman I actually respect, and see as having been affected negatively by our job in the same way as I have, and have it marred by an obsession.

On therapy for limerence. I'm not sure how it can help, other than to find ways to understand why it happens. It can't cure it because they don't know the person. They can never assess her actions, and often it's her actions that encourage limerence. Not her fault, of course. That's all down to me seeing what's probably not there. But no therapist will surely say "yes, she did that because this...". Honestly, that is the answers I want, but that's also guided by limerence.

I don't get subtle stuff. This will make people laugh but 20 years ago I knew a young woman that I cared for deeply. Maybe there was some limerence. There was obsession, and there was also a bond we shared. But would my brain see it? Hell no. That's also where RSD comes in for me. I saw my old school reports the other day and lack of confidence has seemingly been a thing for me for the entirety of my life. I once walked her home after work and she hinted the entire time that she'd like to get the bus to the town I lived in at the time. I just replied that she should do so on her days off because it was a nice place. It's clear to me since that she was saying that because she wanted to come back with me. My brain just never saw that.

Lack of confidence, RSD and a brain that doesn't read subtle hints. It's a recipe for disaster really...but sometimes it helps to laugh.

I think.

Thank you for sharing that,  verityphoenix . And sorry for the late reply. It's good to know I'm not alone, however I can't say I knew it before. I do of course recognise it from the past though.

I actually had a nice chat with her the other morning and she offered to chat any time. That is the strange thing. My mind will race with thoughts of her when she's not around, but chat to her and I don't have the deep thoughts. I just like her company then.

I think that last point is the worst thing about it. It's taken a young woman I actually respect, and see as having been affected negatively by our job in the same way as I have, and have it marred by an obsession.

On therapy for limerence. I'm not sure how it can help, other than to find ways to understand why it happens. It can't cure it because they don't know the person. They can never assess her actions, and often it's her actions that encourage limerence. Not her fault, of course. That's all down to me seeing what's probably not there. But no therapist will surely say "yes, she did that because this...". Honestly, that is the answers I want, but that's also guided by limerence.

I don't get subtle stuff. This will make people laugh but 20 years ago I knew a young woman that I cared for deeply. Maybe there was some limerence. There was obsession, and there was also a bond we shared. But would my brain see it? Hell no. That's also where RSD comes in for me. I saw my old school reports the other day and lack of confidence has seemingly been a thing for me for the entirety of my life. I once walked her home after work and she hinted the entire time that she'd like to get the bus to the town I lived in at the time. I just replied that she should do so on her days off because it was a nice place. It's clear to me since that she was saying that because she wanted to come back with me. My brain just never saw that.

Lack of confidence, RSD and a brain that doesn't read subtle hints. It's a recipe for disaster really...but sometimes it helps to laugh.

I think.