<span;>So i am in a long term/time relationship. But am always pulled up for things, possibly even more since diagnosis. Things mull along nicely when allowed to. But every so often there are words had and a relatively unpleasant situation unfolds. I've never been good at face to face communication which has created problem and always avoided conflict. I guess I probably dont like or maybe 'afraid' if thats the right word of rejection. I believe ive never done anything intentional against or to hurt. I found navigating the end of my previous relationship and my new relationship(20 years in now) and had no idea how to intigrate the two. However everything is always my fault and its me that creates a situation that causes a reaction and everytime anything is said everything from the past 20 years is bought up as they are supposedly relevent and i havent changed or done anything about them, dont talk, dont share - well enough anyway, etc. I never apologise and I should do. ( for example one thing apparently I stood in the wrong place when my ex dropped the kids off once at the beginning of our relationship 20 years ago-apparently I stood with my ex and kids and shouldve been stood next to them ) Its all too confusing. I get accused not accepting what ive done and make excuses just turning the fault to them. They get frustrated when I wont 'talk' back or/and dont have anything to say. Then I prob take things literally and real -and they do feel real too, -when threatened with being kicked out but then i'm in bother because I dont fight back or try and make it right, comfort or apologise. But if things are being said to me in my mind why would I. Any situation has reinforced barriers which i think they find frustrating and wrong whereas its logical to me. Most often I would end up going further into myself, often for days, often going over and over the situation. I've manage to hide external emotion usually so well that i can be accused of being emotionless. During these situations I am accused pf being weak, can be called names and its not liked/appreciated that I dont have anything to say, if on occasion I do finnally raise my voice I'm accused of loosing control. In those situations I dont want to fight for that when all I can see is the badness of that moment. I probably do want a life as seen through rose tinted glasses.often now I'm left not knowing what I should make of a situation. I feel unable to confide or speak to anyone partly in case I have got it wrong or seeing it wrong, and have learnt it can make things worse. I do wonder if any autism is affecting the way I deal or dont deal with situations or percieve things or even any cptsd occuring through undiagnosed autistic traits over the years. I'm not even sure what I expect to gain from writing this.