So for context I think I have always found the school run stressful. Too many people, children and just stress. I have had children quite close in age so its moved from babies, toddlers and prams to now just trying to walk safely with lots happening around us.
But more recently my children have joined a much smaller school and somehow it feels more intense with more scrutiny.
I am either working super hard to look at people, recognise them and smile and be sociable with people I know and feel safe chatting to or I am completely just switched off navigating my own path with my head full of my own things and not really wanting to engage. I feel like if I don't say hello first people wont respond to me.
The thing is I am sure im being perceived as deliberately rude. Today someone had smiled at me and I caught the back end of them feeling like i'd blanked them and they kind of smirked angrily and then I felt awful and went over to say hello. This isnt someone I speak to on every school run but we are on a committee together and say hello and smile/wave.
More recently I have realsied I really struggle to contribute in groups or meetings. I am watching everybody's expressions and body language and it's honestly just exhausting me and making me feel like im a crazy person. I do much better with 2-3 people.
Basically I feel like I am failing at being a good school mum because of this. I would never have said I had social anxiety but its appearing more and more like this. So much so that it's spilled into today and I have had a hard day chatting and being present with a friend - couldn't get eye contact.
I am awaiting a diagnosis but just trying to be aware of what it is that I struggle with rather than just writing it off as just my personality or me being an awful person.