What advice would you give to your younger self?

profdanger said:

I think saying your age is a restriction isn’t completely accurate.

In my case as my sex drive has diminished my cherishing of security, stability and companionship has increased.

B said:

My age (amongst other considerations).

Hate to burst your bubble, but I’ve heard rumors that swinging has exploded in popularity in people ages 50 and up the last decade. I don’t have sources for that claim on hand, though, sorry. I’m not trying to encourage you to go on the prowl (lol), but I think saying your age is a restriction isn’t completely accurate. There’s plenty of folk your age that are discovering themselves, too.

B said:

I agree although my last experience caused me a great deal of pain and put me off for life.

Ah, I’m sorry to hear that, and I’m sincerely sorry if talking about this has caused you any grief.

Thank you A.

B said:

I agree although my last experience caused me a great deal of pain and put me off for life.

Alexa said:

My last relationhip was open, although neither of us indulged much.

I can totally respect that. I feel like that should be the norm, not the exception, when it comes to relationships.

Alexa said:

I view monogamy as a social construct that fails to recognise that human beings can't get everything from one other person. I think that puts a strain on many relationships where it leaves at least one person feeling inadequate because they can't be everything the other wants/needs.

YES! There is so much pressure on monogamy being this perfectly singular and eternal experience, and I believe that a huge reason that divorce is so rampant is because it never seems to live up to the expectations we put on it. It’s my belief we’d all be a little more happy if open relationships were more acceptable, but hey, I get the fear of us losing nuclear families altogether as a society. Maybe what we need is balance? I dunno.

I see the difference as a bisexual being attracted to only two sexes, whereas I view love as being blind to whether a person is male, female, trans, intersex or queer. Hence, I'd tend to view myself as pansexual.

profdanger said:

Otherwise, what’s preventing you from just cheating behind their back? Communication is everything.

My age (amongst other considerations).

profdanger said:

I feel like if you consistently find yourself stuck in those situations, that’s probably a good sign that you’re polyamorous deep down

I agree although my last experience caused me a great deal of pain and put me off for life.

profdanger said:

Even if I felt devoted to one person, I couldn’t help but have strong feelings for others. I knew it was wrong (by societal values), but couldn’t fully fight it.

I'm not very good with societal values. My last relationhip was open, although neither of us indulged much. I view monogamy as a social construct that fails to recognise that human beings can't get everything from one other person. I think that puts a strain on many relationships where it leaves at least one person feeling inadequate because they can't be everything the other wants/needs. 

AWWW I love that article! That makes me feel so seen!  Thank you so much!

B said:

Love triangles have mainly been 'my thing'.

Some of what you feel is similar to me and what I have experienced in my life although I am now in a monogamous heterosexual marriage. 

So I’ve heard some people say that there is a spectrum to mono-poly just like there is for gender identity and even neurodiversity. I happen to be on the far end of the spectrum (lol), but maybe you’re one for leaning towards poly, but still near the middle ground?

I TOTALLY understand the love triangle thing. I feel like if you consistently find yourself stuck in those situations, that’s probably a good sign that you’re polyamorous deep down. I mean, that happening more than once is not really something that can be a coincidence, right?

And hey, if you discover you’re polyamorous in a monogamous heterosexual relationship, you’re obviously not alone. It’s not easy, for sure. If you come to that realization, I highly recommend that you talk with your partner. That, along with couples counseling, can help establish boundaries and expectations. Otherwise, what’s preventing you from just cheating behind their back? Communication is everything.

profdanger said:

I don’t often have an opportunity to discuss my sexual preferences without fear of being slapped around.

That's a shame. 

You might find this article of interest:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c80z52wr7djo

Love triangles have mainly been 'my thing'.

Some of what you feel is similar to me and what I have experienced in my life although I am now in a monogamous heterosexual marriage. 

You're unique, and it doesn't matter what other people think, just be yourself...

Yay! I’m glad to hear you have found yourself! Congrats!

I’m polyamorous demisexual. I’m mostly attracted to people who have proven to be friendly or at the very least appear to be friendly. I lean so much more towards women that I’m okay with identifying as heterosexual (the demi part is hard to explain to non-LGBTQ+ folk), but I do believe there have been a couple cases where I strongly fought the urge to develop a crush on men. So… maybe a 90/10 or 95/5 split? lol. It’s hard to imagine being intimate beyond snuggling up next to another man, but I am infamous in my friend circle for being very snuggly with people I trust regardless of gender lol

The polyamorous part is tough, because I realized that AFTER having a wife and kids. So theoretically I don’t practice polyamory, but I do believe I have an inclination towards it. There have been many situations throughout my life where I was completely confused by why I was experiencing so many crushes at once. Even if I felt devoted to one person, I couldn’t help but have strong feelings for others. I knew it was wrong (by societal values), but couldn’t fully fight it. I know it sounds like I’m just a cheater, and that’s what I’ve been labelling myself for decades, but honestly? I think it’s just a part of who I am. Some people like me just struggle with the idea of intimacy with only one person forever. Now that I recognize it, I feel more confident I can control myself and stay devoted to my wife, because now I have a better grasp on how and why I develop these feelings. The easiest way to fix this is by having most of my friendships online and geographically far apart.

For example, when I started dating my now-wife during college, I simultaneously had an unrequited love for another good friend. I was so torn up about it, I even ended up attempting to hook up that friend with my roommate so that I could at least feel like I was dating her vicariously. Super messed up and I regret that. Had I known it was because of my polyamorous leanings, I probably would have respected their friendship more and focus more on my actual girlfriend. Or, perhaps I could have admitted to both ladies what I actually am? Probably would have missed an opportunity to date either, but hey, at least I’d have been myself.

Ultimately, I hate polygamy. Sounds hilarious, but I think that’s a stupid idea. Polyamory IS NOT the same as polygamy. That’s just a recipe for a disastrous family environment. What I approve of is the idea of having one devoted partner, then the possibility of other, less devoted partners. In other words, trusted best friends should be allowed to be intimate (so long as it is safe, of course). Swinging is okay, though I feel like that is too dangerous. Not to mention I only find people I think I can trust attractive, so it probably wouldn’t work for me anyways lol.

Phew, sorry for the explosion of words. I don’t often have an opportunity to discuss my sexual preferences without fear of being slapped around. Even at the LGBTQ+ group I volunteer for (they assume I’m a cisgender heterosexual ally). My closest friends have generally accepted my orientation, and though several of them identify as bi, none of them agree with or understand the polyamory. So thanks, I appreciate the excuse to get that off my chest lol

1. I don’t really regret going to university or graduate school, though both degrees are mostly useless by now lol. I had invaluable experiences and made many deep connections that I do not regret. Even though my alma mater upholds values and religious principles I strongly disagree with, I’ve made many friends from that place that are in the same exact boat of recognizing their disbelief there. Also, no I don’t have a job in music, but I still write music for fun. It wouldn’t be as fun if I had no idea what I’m doing.

All that said, I am sorry to hear that it wasn’t as good of an experience for you. It’s so hard to know whether it is a good investment until after the fact, unfortunately.

2. I’m so glad to hear that it sounds like you may have discovered yourself, even if it might be a little later than you would’ve liked. Teen years are so hard from a sexual-orientation standpoint. Not only are you totally confused what your body is telling you to begin with, but you also have society telling you what you should and should not do? Yeah, I’d like a do-over and try it again, honestly.

3. Yes, exactly. #1 biggest issue with being a child/teen/young adult with Autism. I feel like I’ve always apologized for being inadequate and different.

To me at 16:

You are lovely just as you are and you don't need to prove yourself by overachieving. Take better care of your needs and stop all that people pleasing. Learn to turn that harsh inner critic into an inner coach. You are different, but not broken. The bullying you face is traumatising but you will survive and heal. Do something just for you every day.

Pro tip: you are autistic and an ADHDer and that's what drives your differences and it's OK.

Ferrosol said:

Don't go to University - it won't work out well for you. 

In hindsight, University was something was expected of me (by my teachers at the time), rather than something I necessarily wanted to do. While I did learn some things during my four years of Computer Science (include one year of industrial placement), very little of what we were taught actually had much relevance to what I'd end up doing.

Perhaps if I'd kept my artistic skills up, I'd have pursued something along those lines, though I suspect I'd have been poorer as a result. As it was, I ended up a graphic designer purely because I knew how to use stuff like Photoshop and CorelDRAW. So maybe I did find my calling, albeit in a roundabout way.

Dawn said:

you'll get your truth in the end."

Not without a massive fight unfortunately...

"Hang on in there, you'll get your truth in the end."

Alexa said:

Nowadays, I'd call myself pansexual rather than bisexual.

There is a fine distinction I think  

In my teenage years, in order to mask and fit in, I pretended to be something I wasn't. I completely abandoned my morals and principles because I wanted to be accepted and liked so badly. I essentially became a class clown, would frequently get into fights and I fell in with the wrong crowd and started drinking. Over time I abandoned hobbies, lost friends I had known my whole life and just let the bad, risky self-serving behaviour consume me. I stopped playing guitar, quit my football team although I was a decent player and left my kickboxing gym. I had no discipline.

I'm fortunate that I found my way and a big part of that was becoming aware and accepting that I was on the spectrum. It humbled me and gave me an understanding as to why I acted out and was feeling the way I did. I can never get back those years and some bad habits still linger, but I've grown a lot as a person from my late teens and I fully intend to continue with that upward trajectory. I still have a lot to work on.  

profdanger said:

One thing I’m not sure I’d want to tell my past self is that deep down I am polyamorous.

Polyamorous or pansexual? When I finally went to bed with a woman, sex felt as natural with her as it had with my male partners. Nowadays, I'd call myself pansexual rather than bisexual. Definately not polyamorous.

I'd tell my younger self not to be concerned about someone's body shape - what matters is love.