I am really struggling with what I think is burnout. I was diagnosed in February and I feel like this year has been a perfect storm in terms of contributing to the way I am feeling right now. Getting the diagnosis initially was a relief - I felt like I finally had an answer for why I am like I am, I could stop wishing I was different. Since then it has been a constant battle against burnout - i feel like I have been trying to keep my head above water since then.
I think that the realisation that I had been heavily masking my whole life hit me quite hard. I feel like I don't know who I really am underneath the mask. Everything i have read talks about unmasking being essential for functioning. I do understand this but what if me underneath the mask isn't capable and can't sustain a job and a family and life in general?
I do quite a demanding job, which most of the time I enjoy. However, it can cause stress and I find that when work is stressful work takes over. I think this may be related to my people pleasing and needing to do a good job regardless. So when things are more pressurised at work I let it take over my whole life. Unfortunately this is unsustainable and I crash.
I have been signed off work for a couple of weeks and realistically I need longer off to recover. I am exhausted and drained and everything is a massive effort for me. I am so worried that I am not able to do this kind of work longer term. I know I am catastrophising but I can't help my brain going to the worst case scenario.
My time off was unfortunately triggered by an occupational health assessment where my manager had asked them to answer the question - Am I able to do my job? This I felt was jumping ahead too far and that we hadn't put enough effort in exploring workplace adjustments. I am lucky in my role that I can work very flexibly so work from home most of the time, have a lot of control over my schedule and have felt comfortable enough to disclose my autism to colleagues that I trusted. However, I feel that there are additional things that need to be put in place to help me to do my job. I really want to try these things before we get to the point that I have to consider another role.
I know feel like I have been written off because I disclosed my autism and found a considerable stressful period of time hard to deal with. My manager says it's because they have a duty of care towards me but it just makes me worry. I just want to focus on recovery but I do worry about what is best for me. I earn a lot more than my partner and we can't really afford me to take a pay cut and so this is an additional pressure for me.
Sorry, that was very long! I guess what I am interested in understanding is - are there realistic adjustments that can be put in place in a role that is unpredictable, has a lot of responsibility and can be high pressured?
