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Any advice appreciated- relationship

NinjaPanda85

Hi all, 

Just been diagnosed at 41 years old this week, when I told my wife and I asked her how she felt, her reply was that she was worried the diagnosis would mean I would potentially change who I was.  That said she was not surprised that I was Autistic. 

I love my wife, we have been married 13 years and its been good. Over that time through various illness and struggles my ability to mask certain traits has declined significantly. She supports me in most things and I do not want my adjustment to my diagnosis or my exploration of what it means for me to negatively affect her. At the same time whilst daunting, the idea of being able to learn to mask less and play more to my strengths is appealing. 

I am unsure if I am wording this correctly but one of several feelings I had when I heard the diagnosis was relief, which makes me want to try and be less critical of myself and be more openly "me", but I'm hiding that a little from my wife presently as I do not want her to see that as evidence of me changing like she is worried about. My wife is kind and compassionate but has no experience of Autism or mental health outside of what she has learned through me. 

any advice or similar stories of partners being concerned over the impact of a diagnosis would be appreciated,

Thanks.

Parents

  • Good morning from America, NinjaPanda85!

    I feel like I totally understand where both of you stand from! In your eyes, this is an opportunity to become and claim your true self, but in her eyes there is the potential for you to change in such a way that severely disrupts the relationship. I’ve heard stories of people changing immensely after getting a diagnosis, even to a point of permanently losing skills and suddenly being unable to accomplish even everyday things that they used to take for granted. Ultimately, yes, become your true self, but do realize that you still have responsibilities as a life partner for someone else. Ex. Realizing that you are Autistic is a good explanation for why you sometimes forget to do the laundry, but it isn’t a valid excuse for you to suddenly stop doing the laundry altogether and expect the partner to pick it up without communicating a need for it.

    One thing that can help with this wild, transitionary phase in your life is couples’ counseling. Even if things seem fine right now, preemptively getting counseling before the [you know] hits the fan could encourage better cooperation and communication as you learn how to live your best life.

    As an example, I had to go into couples’ counseling a few years after getting my diagnosis because during my journey of recognizing my true self I realized that I’ve always been polyamorous. Getting counseling immediately after I informed my wife of that allowed us to figure out boundaries and ways to keep our monogamous relationship healthy. 

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  • Good morning from America, NinjaPanda85!

    I feel like I totally understand where both of you stand from! In your eyes, this is an opportunity to become and claim your true self, but in her eyes there is the potential for you to change in such a way that severely disrupts the relationship. I’ve heard stories of people changing immensely after getting a diagnosis, even to a point of permanently losing skills and suddenly being unable to accomplish even everyday things that they used to take for granted. Ultimately, yes, become your true self, but do realize that you still have responsibilities as a life partner for someone else. Ex. Realizing that you are Autistic is a good explanation for why you sometimes forget to do the laundry, but it isn’t a valid excuse for you to suddenly stop doing the laundry altogether and expect the partner to pick it up without communicating a need for it.

    One thing that can help with this wild, transitionary phase in your life is couples’ counseling. Even if things seem fine right now, preemptively getting counseling before the [you know] hits the fan could encourage better cooperation and communication as you learn how to live your best life.

    As an example, I had to go into couples’ counseling a few years after getting my diagnosis because during my journey of recognizing my true self I realized that I’ve always been polyamorous. Getting counseling immediately after I informed my wife of that allowed us to figure out boundaries and ways to keep our monogamous relationship healthy. 

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