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Any advice appreciated- relationship

NinjaPanda85

Hi all, 

Just been diagnosed at 41 years old this week, when I told my wife and I asked her how she felt, her reply was that she was worried the diagnosis would mean I would potentially change who I was.  That said she was not surprised that I was Autistic. 

I love my wife, we have been married 13 years and its been good. Over that time through various illness and struggles my ability to mask certain traits has declined significantly. She supports me in most things and I do not want my adjustment to my diagnosis or my exploration of what it means for me to negatively affect her. At the same time whilst daunting, the idea of being able to learn to mask less and play more to my strengths is appealing. 

I am unsure if I am wording this correctly but one of several feelings I had when I heard the diagnosis was relief, which makes me want to try and be less critical of myself and be more openly "me", but I'm hiding that a little from my wife presently as I do not want her to see that as evidence of me changing like she is worried about. My wife is kind and compassionate but has no experience of Autism or mental health outside of what she has learned through me. 

any advice or similar stories of partners being concerned over the impact of a diagnosis would be appreciated,

Thanks.

Parents

  • Hi, I'm not sure if my story would be helpful, I'm waiting for my assessment, the first appointment is next month. I used to mask more, before we got the child. When the baby appeared my mask fell off. I'm a female just for clarity, 38, suspected autism. I remember even before our wedding I repeated to myself that my husband can't get to know the real me, otherwise he would think that im insane and leave me. Then when I was pregnant I had thoughts that I hope that my child will not be like me. I shared some of my concerns with my husband and explained to him that I was different because I never played with kids. He didn't understand what I meant,  he said just "don't worry, everything will be fine". To my relief my daughter is not like me- no visible unusual intrests, normal role play, has friends, is social. It's also interesting for me watching my child growing up. 

    When it comes to my husband,  I used to ask him if he thinks that im normal. Before we got our child and my mask didn't fall off yet, he answered "yes" and was amazed why I ask. But after my mask fell off he asked me "what's wrong with you" it was all before I even started suspecting autism. The feeling that I was different a d something was off is there since my childhood, since nursery. I also used to have awful meltdowns that I managed to cope only at age 18. I had no word for my mental illness. I was misdiagnosed multiple times, so I also used to say that I have a depression since birth. My husband still thinks that the diagnosis will help me change into normal. He is supportive and understanding as much as he can, also adjusts to me which I appreciate. He says I'm sweet, caring and honest person.

  • in reply to Alien0n3arth

    Thank you to both of you for sharing, its helped me feel better about things and less isolated

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