Nostalgia

No because you make the choices at the time that seemed best, hindsight is always 20/20 vision. Of course there are things I could have done better, things I'd have been better off not doing or doing differently, but I have no real regrets, not really, I like who I am now and I'm the sum of my experiences thus far.

One of the things I find funny about looking back at life, is thinking, 'how young I was then', then being my mid forties or early fifties.

See, that's where we differ. I don't like myself as I am now because I feel I've let people down by not giving my mom and dad any grandkids or even leaving home and making my own way in the world. My three other siblings have all had one kid each, while I stayed at home and supported my parents financially, and in later years, was a carer for my mom. I suppose the latter had some value, but the only reason I became a carer was because I couldn’t face leaving home and standing on my own feet, which I feel never allowed me to realize whatever potential I might have had. In 1974, I did manage to break free and move into a flat with my sister, her friend, and an engineer who worked at the same place as me, but that was more out of desperation than choice. It didn’t work out, as living in a flat is like living with other people who have their own lives, and I didn’t feel there was much of a “family” atmosphere. After a year it all fell apart, and I came back home, which my dad probably appreciated since I think he and my mom were struggling financially without my support, especially with two younger kids to bring up.

You seem quite self-sufficient, with educational achievements, the ability to drive, and the freedom to choose which friends you spend time with. However, apart from having a so-called friend who wasn’t truly a friend and took advantage of me back in the late ’60s and early ’70s, I’ve never really had friends. One reason is that I get easily hurt or upset if I feel someone is being disloyal or humiliating me in any way, even as a joke, and it puts me off people.

See, that's where we differ. I don't like myself as I am now because I feel I've let people down by not giving my mom and dad any grandkids or even leaving home and making my own way in the world. My three other siblings have all had one kid each, while I stayed at home and supported my parents financially, and in later years, was a carer for my mom. I suppose the latter had some value, but the only reason I became a carer was because I couldn’t face leaving home and standing on my own feet, which I feel never allowed me to realize whatever potential I might have had. In 1974, I did manage to break free and move into a flat with my sister, her friend, and an engineer who worked at the same place as me, but that was more out of desperation than choice. It didn’t work out, as living in a flat is like living with other people who have their own lives, and I didn’t feel there was much of a “family” atmosphere. After a year it all fell apart, and I came back home, which my dad probably appreciated since I think he and my mom were struggling financially without my support, especially with two younger kids to bring up.

You seem quite self-sufficient, with educational achievements, the ability to drive, and the freedom to choose which friends you spend time with. However, apart from having a so-called friend who wasn’t truly a friend and took advantage of me back in the late ’60s and early ’70s, I’ve never really had friends. One reason is that I get easily hurt or upset if I feel someone is being disloyal or humiliating me in any way, even as a joke, and it puts me off people.

lostmyway said:

I came back home, which my dad probably appreciated since I think he and my mom were struggling financially without my support, especially with two younger kids to bring up.

Now, you see, I couldn't do that. It's special that you can, especially caring for your mum. I can only admire that sort of long-term dedication.

Like TheCatWoman , my parents and life partners all relied on me, while I couldn't rely on them, so I've always had to rely on myself. It's tiring and it would have been nice to have had one relationship where I couold have shared the burden. On the other hand, all that forced me to be financially independent and that means I live in my own house, which I can arrange to suit my sensory needs without coping with the needs of others any more.

lostmyway said:

One reason is that I get easily hurt or upset if I feel someone is being disloyal or humiliating me in any way,

A lot of us seem to have that rejection sensitivity. It's a pain and possibly the one thing about neurodiversity I'd rather not have. 

Thanks, TheCatWoman, I appreciate that. You do sound like a strong woman, even though you have your vulnerabilities. I could imagine you as a kind of Anna Raeburn, who used to host a problem radio phone-in show called "Anna and the Doc," dispensing wise advice on a variety of personal problems.

I'm sorry to hear you've had such a tough time. I'm self suffiecient because I've had to be, for many many years I had no one to fall back on, everything felt like it was built on sand, I've had my life ripped out from under me more times than I like to remember. People tell me I'm a "strong woman", like thats an easy quality and one that makes me immune from hurt, it dosen't, no one want to think about the cost of being a "strong woman", how everyone relies on you but you can't rely on them. It would have been so easy over he years to have just curled up and died, especially knowing that was a tacit expectation.

I think navigating friendships is really difficult, one of the reasons I have so few friends is not only do I have the usual autistic misunderstandings, but I get hurt easily too, I don't always "get" humour. I feel rejected when I'm with people and they're always looking at thier phones.

You've done some valuable things, from what you've said, you've helped your parents both financially and cared for them when they've been to ill to do so themselves. Thats a very special sort of dedication. Not everyone can do that sort of caring. You maynot have done the things that society says make you successful, but thats all flannel or mostly flannel at least, an attempt at social control and devaluing anything outside a very narrow set of parameters. To me you're a good and caring person and I'm sorry that you feel so worthless when you're anything but.