I have had a lot of experiences where people have called me autistic in a demeaning/narcissistic way. I always wrote it off that they were just insecure which I laughed at them for and didn't think much of it. However after having had gone to mental health counseling and being diagnosed with GAD at 24 before joining the U.S Navy, I'm unsure. I certainly don't want to seek a diagnosis as that will only further complicate my career at present. However I think sharing my experiences with autistics and those familiar with those with autism could enlighten me with any explanations or experience.
Things I'm sure aren't autism exclusive:
- I can deeply focus on things I am interested in (Philosophy, Psychology, Psychoanalysis, Cinema and Cutural Theory). That is the order in which my interests evolved.
- Special interests moved and matured as I age. I've integrated the rational lessons these subjects have taught me but I still enjoy teaching/sharing with others if they like the way I think. Nothing feels more satisfying then discussing the aims merits and ways in which I can create something meaningful for others. I do know thing I have most of the knowledge necessary to direct a movie. The millitary will likely help me develop my leadership potential. Understanding how others fit into organizations and their role in accomplishing goals, mataining good moral, rewarding those who are promotable etc.
On the line/Possible traits:
- Was obsessed with birds from a very young age
- Love structure and discipline especially when the standards were realistic, obtainable, and were not ambiguous.
- Can't stand ambiguity in relation to understanding the aims of those I interact with when something serious is afoot.
- Taking things absolutely literally especially when there is infinite complexity involved. (I stopped going to community college because the complexity and demands of mathematics. And the administrative reduction of the concepts I learned in the philosophy texts I found interesting, along with the psychologists who helped me build a reasonably sophiscated theory of mind; I found to be not worth the discipline and focus necessary to complete. Unless I liked my branch of service that much, and choose to commission as an officer to fly planes for Uncle Sam. College and all that I could learn is simply too much work for the rewards for me).
- Emotionally volatile when someone intentionally wrongs me. My entire nervous system demands I get even with them. When I spoke to one of my friends that convinced me to join the millitary he said I might have a problem and should seek a diagnosis. (I will not for their sake. The person who wronged me needs to evolve before I do and I will not excuse wrongs against me of of any magnitude to smooth things over. I usually keep a piller of enmity between me and those that I suspect intentionally mistreat me, and it only has to happen once.) I have plotted and even undertook revenge campaigns with large social consequence against those who chose to cross me and that has done some damage to me emotionally but it was worth it in my opinion.
Side note: I never have played, as I think it is impossible to be, a perfect victim. Especially since I don't do second chances, I expect all others to do the same. But most that wanted access to me only got that piller of enmity instead of a understanding person. I dislike when others feel entitled to resolution to conflicts they started and expect you to do the apology they should do. It's almost like those that I have gotten into the worst conflicts with always had no capacity to see themselves in others. Running across people like this for me was very rare, but it has made me rethink if I am being reasonable 100% of the time. Hence the reason I am writing this right now.
Am I on the spectrum?
