Hello,
I wanted to share something I’ve been noticing and also really conflicted about. Sorry it might come across as a dump. If you do read it through, thank you.
I’m coming to terms with realising that I’m not entirely sure what I believe in. It feels as if those around me, neurotypical or not, have things that the stand for and believe in, and I’m not even quite sure.
Im 27 and living at home still, and I used to wonder if I needed to get a flat/house and be independent and go through some sort of “struggle” to help strengthen my character. I want to be opinionated, and get up and go, but I start the days stuck in my bed, because I set my alark to wake up at 5am, and I never make it up.
The really scary thing is now I’m unmasking more (I realise my mask is trying to adapt to different people in a way that is still me, but get by through asking them questions and letting them speak), I’m not even sure how to operate in social situations. I used to have my scripts to manouver conversations, but now they seem more theoretical than things I actually feel strong passion with. The things I say I value and want to really struggle to match up how I actually love
When I went to a staff meeting last week, I notice everyone finding pockets to socialize in. And I really acknowledged this feeling that I really don’t know how to fit in without masking. They are probably talking about how the summer was, and I know if I was asked, I would get stuck and confused rather than mask it through. Especially since I had depressive points throughout. I felt the tangible feeling of existing in a completely different reality to everyone else. As if I’ve not lived in the real world at all, and now I realise how separate I am from this. Especially since I’ve not had much work as a freelancer, and only teaching once a week.
The really good thing I’m grateful of is that I know I have friends and family and a girlfriend who are okay for me to exist, without having to generate conversation and perform. It is frustrating to go blank.
The thing is, life goes on. I do need to put things into place and keep moving forward. I guess now I’m slowly accepting that I can’t try to move forward to “catch up” or “fix myself”, because it’s not possible, so I’ll need to find out how to know what I actually want and to make a life that is more in my strengths. I’m incredibly harsh on myself, and my perfectionist way of thinking is really invading my life and the ability to just, live.
Anyone relate to this? Or have any words of wisdom? I know lying in bed trying to theorize how to connect with the real world or drowning myself in podcasts is just removing me more from reality.
