The Cost of Masking: Learning the Script vs Automatic Processing

I too have that tears in eyes laugh where my endless objections and counter arguments are involved Paul1956 .  I sometimes am reminded of the "ents" in Tolkein's the lord the rings - Taking a day to make introductions and ages to make up their minds about things.

I think that how people are portrayed in the media and what narrative this carries makes a difference about how the wider public relate to them.

So I hope that it is done with the best intentions and best research about what effect it will have for society.

I can remember the debates around positive discrimination and this has brought with it the thought that, maybe, by portraying none-masking autistics, media portrayals could bring people to an acceptance of un-masked autists and make daily life simpler and less exhausting for us. Just a thought — and I can already see some of the objections and counter arguments

I found this an interesting and thought provoking take on 'masking'. Thank you Martin  . I think as an autistic person there is a great deal of effort required in practising this social skill that NT people find easy/instinctive/effortless.

I could of written this too

I read your post and think "it could have been me that wrote that" - you share identical observations to those I have made of myself  

The form of masking I found most successful was humour. I realised early on that if I voiced what I was thinking it made people laugh. At first it was self deprecating comments and then just relating the off the wall way I see the world. Although successful and the only ice breaker in my armoury I never mastered it completely because I still can not read where and with who it is appropriate. Particularly in official settings, interviews, dealing with officials and particularly in the workplace. In particular I found working with people of different nationalities that some people seem to be offended by the use of humour in the workplace. Once I lose my favourite mask I really struggle. Small talk, mind numbingly tedious work related conversations, trying to portray an air of professionalism (to me humourless pretense) is absolutely exhausting. Every aspect of masking from knowing when it is appropriate or required to speak to knowing when you have taken part in enough small talk to break off the conversation. 10 minutes of small talk leaves me exhausted and is followed with the inevitable analysis of the whole conversation to see where I may have missed a cue or a hint whether something innocuous I said could have been read in a different way. Even writing this is making my stomach turn. 

The whole concept of masking is a recent discovery for me and I am glad I now have an understanding of it. I decided that I will not mask in the future except where absolutely necessary. I am at a point now where I don't feel I have to mask who I am anymore. I don't need people to like me or accept me. They either accept me or they don't. I don't care. Humour remains a part of me because I enjoy it but pointless small talk or forced conversations are out.

i'm reminded of a Spike Milligan comment on the military: 

"Men in uniform can't really be considered religious, unless it be a Christian profundity that makes a Gunner say 'Jesus Christ!' when he drops a shell on his foot."

I recall a post on this group recently about a chap with Tourette's at a film awards ceremony, what happened and the variety of reaction there were to it.  Also it was wondered whether there were similarities to autism.  

I would observe that personally I swear at times of high stress and consider this to be a bit of a clue to me being stressed as a lot of the time for some reason it's not at the forefront of my mind that I am.

Some people are always looking for a reason to take offence so that they can have a go at people to make them feel better in some sort of social hierachy game.  That "forgiving under the circumstances" bit was all part of that game as far as I see it.  Not sure if I am being a hypocrite there tho' as a few weeks ago a group of lads were effing and jeffing at a hotel table next to me and my daughters.  I pointed out there swearing to them - to the great embarrassment of my (grown up) daughters.  They moved to another table to continue to engage in what one of them called "billiard room" language out of earshot.

The way I see it is that sh1t happens.  Clear it up and get on with life would seem to me to be one way.

Going back to the crying and runny nose thing stress on its own can apparently make one cry (according to the research I've just dived over and done) and thinking on it I can relate to that.  I'm not suggesting that you're particularly stressed by the acting but maybe having to hold a face that isn't really you?  Blooming hard work I reckon.

It might be, I'd just like to know why it happens.

I just come out and swear, I did have one woman come up to me to object, but then she saw me bent over double holding my head from where I'd nearly scalped myself on a boot lid that didn't open high enough and said she'd forgive me under the circumstances.

That physical response of yours would be perfect for acting in one of those Greek Tragedies maybe.

My social faux pas are in my opinion the equivalent of wanting to swear etc... (and yep they can end up at that level for me too) I basically don't want to be in a situation (or more specifically maybe don't want the situation to be like that but can't do anything about it) and my brain goes into alarm mode and does something that kind of takes me out of "being there" mode and very often engineers me ending up not being there one way or another.

Thinking back to Martin's comment about Greek Theatre masks and masking in general as a form of acting, if I try and act, my eyes and nose stream, I don't know why as I'm not "crying" and I can't stop blowing my nose, its like I've suddenly got the drippy stage of a cold.

I worry less about making a social faux pas in crowds that I do suddenly losing it and pushing people out of the way whilst shouting and swearing at them, although I guess that would count as a faux pas, albeit on a larger scale.

I think there are a lot of scripts being written for us, like autism = being really good with tech. I remember being told that I could be dyslexic because I'm bad at maths and all dyslexics are good at maths as a sort of compensatory gift

TheCatWoman said:

(Eddie Izzard, Glorious)

Ah, so I'm going where others have gone before, or maybe standing on the shoulders of giants.

Likewise me for trying to get out of the way. My days of trolley dashing mostly behind me now - age and wisdom coalescing maybe.

From my youth I remember a book with the title "Be Here Now" - I kind of took that to heart on the practical physics.  It's pretty much still the same for me it as far as I experience it at present.  Now where else one might to be is another matter - maybe that's where the oil is necessary.

Always look on the bright side of life.  

:-)

A friend was in hospital recently and we asked for a dementia assessment and they asked him if he knew who he was, where he was and who the prime minister was, that was it, no further action.

I think maybe I'm a duck too, or maybe a goose? Or have I met to many Evil Giraffes? (Eddie Izzard, Glorious)

I never know who's "turn" it is to move in crowds, I mean we've all done the "Strictly Trolley Dance" in a supermarket, or I guess we have, I'm sure there will be some who won't have. But in general I just want to get out of the way, but I get glared at for breaking what seems an impasse.

Masking is such a difficult topic, it means so many different things to different people, I mean everyone does it to some extent, I doubt if anyone is their true self at work for example, that mask comes off along with the high heels or tie. But some seem to insist that only autists mask and I really don't think thats true, I think it's the extent or maybe even the awareness of needing a mask that is more apparent with autism. I guess that because autists seem to be aware of some of the internal processes that NT's aren't, we see the masks we wear and assume that we must be the only ones who wear them and that its a problem. Often it is a problem because we don't know how to be in the world, but often those masks are social oil that help us smooth the way through life.

I think maybe we all mask less as we get older, thats something that goes along with having blind knees and eyes that are old and bent? Thats my favourite bit of Life of Brian.

Blessed are the Cheese Makers eh TheCatWoman :-)

Joking aside yep I agree with on the other things you write.

I too find it tricky in crowds.  Too much chance to make a social faux pas which worries me personally more than dementia.  Does give me a chance to practicing weaving and bobbing a bit tho'.

Tests are broadly made for identifying something - it's where they overlap where things can get complicated.  Chicken and egg sort of thing, or just why did the chicken cross the road.

Not to mention the standard to which the tests are applied.  Maybe that chicken was a duck!

Maybe I'm a duck!!!! 

OK I didn't manage to put joking aside.  

Thanks for the thoughts.

It does the less I interact with it, difficult in summer when so many people are out and about.

I was shocked, I don't know why though, when looking at dyspraxia that there's almost no information about it in adults until it starts croping up in dementia diagnosis. It made me wonder if people are being misdiagnosed? It's said that autisic people are more prone to dementia, could this be because things that often exist alongside autism, like dyspraxia and sequencing difficulties are giving false positives? I mean if someone asked me to start reciting the alphabet from a random letter I'd not be able to do it, or anything even vaguely mathmatical, but ask me to recite a list of kings from 1066 onwards and even a few before and I'd do it no problem, if I could and got muddled up that would show a problem.

I think I amused by different things to some people, give me anything anarchic, like Monty Python, Eddie Izzard, South Park, Ivor Cutler and I'll laugh like a drain, but things like Miranda or The Office and its so unfunny it's actually painful to watch, I really don't like humiliation humour, it really upsets me. Other stuff I just look at it and think Eh?

Thanks for taking the care to answer - your honest and thoughtful reply as ever TheCatWoman 

You and me both.

I'm getting used to not being as visible to wider society generally as I get older and interestingly I seem to crop up on their radar less if I do the "pass by undetected" ruse of being autistic but in not such a "showy way these days".

There is an easing of social conventions in comedy on both sides of the divide I agree.  It's one of the perks of the job of a jester I think - oh and getting scraps off the high table...

I say, I say, I say.  What did the cupboard say to the elephant jumping on it from above? "that's not the sort of side splitting joke I was asking you to play on me" springs to mind.

Glad you know who you are and glad you're giving pointers to me and others too.

Hope the human world headache that maybe I and a lot of other autistic people experience too gets better soon.

I think it's even worse if you have autism and things like dyslexia, sequencing difficulties and dyspraxia because it means I don't experience the world the same as other autistics, I don't just mask or display certain parts of myself to the NT world, I mask heavily or show less of myself to the autisitc world too because people only seem to want to accept certain types of autism.

If I drop the social fluff with NT's at least I can laugh at them, with them or we can both laugh at me, but with most autistic people the humour just goes over thier heads and I'm left with dictionary definitions, that don't fit either.

I know who and what I am, nobody else does or seems to want to, which gets depressing and feels very lonely, but at least I have animals who seem to understand me well and I them. But I'm finding the more I know about myself the less I want to do with the human world, I've got a headache from banging my head against walls of misunderstanding and I can't be bothered anymore

(I appreciate I answered your first post Martin  with replied to your reply to SilmarilCritter too - sorry for the "ad lib" failing in protocol)

I think we may be in agreement Martin  thanks.

Wherever the concept comes from, masking is the craft of acting.

As I understand my mind, and perhaps that of other autistic people, prioritises semantics.  I personally do my best to say exactly what I mean.  My mind also naturally assumes that other people do so also.

I find it takes a lot of hard effort to get over the difficulty of encounters with neurotypical brains which (again as far as I understand it) prioritises instead the "hidden" meaning behind words; automatically sorts out vibe, hierachy and hidden motives; and managing reputaion, politemess and social standing.

So scripting before hand does that work "in advance" leaving the energy to actually do the "act".

Unfortunately scripting it is not "in the moment".  I regret that i find it sometimes is the cause of distress

So part of the craft is learning in an acting sense to "ad lib" - to perform at one's liberty.

Thinking time for autistic people is different to that of neyrotypical people - I think!

Scripting is a coping mechanism. If forced to make a phone call, I write down a list of the main points I want to say. it helps to make things more predictable and predictability is very important for autistic mental wellbeing. If it works and does not cause distress I do not consider it a problem.

I think that the concept of masking is largely allistic in origin. The only 'mask' I see in autistic lived experience is the actor's mask from Ancient Greek tragedy. The things commonly labelled 'masking' are consciously learned and intellectually applied social coping skills and strategies. In nature they are like any other learned skill, such as playing a musical instrument. If someone plays an instrument they have learned how to play, they are not wearing the 'mask of a musician'.

The idea of 'masking' has led, in my opinion, to the erroneous conclusion that autistic people who mask are not their authentic selves. I think this is a pernicious idea. Yes, using hard-won and difficult to apply social skills is challenging for autistic people. Yes, it can lead to exhaustion and poor mental health, if done beyond an individual's ability to cope. But, no, it does not entail either wearing a mask or being inauthentic. The guitarist who plays his or her guitar is not more inauthentically themselves than when they are not playing their instrument.