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How do I set boundaries after recent diagnosis?

thedogh

Hi guys, 

I was diagnosed a few months ago, but I am 20 and so have been masking my entire life. Most of my friends and family have never known I was autistic or seen me that way, and still don't.

So my question is, how do I set boundaries about socialising or things I struggle with when usually I just come up with an excuse. For example, say one of my friends wants me to go away with her for the weekend, but I'm feeling a bit socially burnt out and there are a lot of factors I'm unsure of. How do I go from my normal excuses of "I've got something on so I can't go" to a genuine response. And also, how do I get them to see that this isn't me not wanting to see them or a sudden drastic change, that it is how I am and something I've always experienced. 

My other dilema is that I have always felt guilty about not wanting plans or lying so I don't have to go, so I'm worried that now that I'm diagnosed I'll use it as an excuse to not do things that scare me or are hard even though I would enjoy them or they would be good for me. 

Any advice would be really appreciated. I know it probably just comes down to communication but it is really hard when people don't see you as autistic because I still feel like I'm being held to the same standards as I was pre-diagnosis.

  • Social demands can be a burden on autistic people, due to the sometimes exhausting intellectual effort we have to put into socialising. In one way having a definite diagnosis can make it morally easier to refuse to attend social events. However, I have adopted two approaches to 'getting out of socialising' when I do not feel up to it, to the people I have told that I am autistic I tell the truth, that I just do not feel up to attending a family get together or something similar - I do attend important events, Christenings, weddings, funerals anniversaries etc. For people who I have not told that I am autistic I continue to tell white lies, I have caught a stomach bug or a bad cold, have to attend a meeting etc. In regard to choosing what to attend, or not, I try to assess whether there is the likelihood of sensory problems, such as loud music, unpleasant lighting and so on, the other main aspect is how comfortable I am with the other people at the event, the more comfortable I am with, and the better I know, someone the less effort I have to put in to interacting with them and the less draining socialising will be.

  • Hi thedogh,

    Welcome to the community. I am glad you have got your diagnosis and want to set boundaries with your friends and family.

    Whilst we wait for members of the community to respond I would like to direct you to some of the pages on the National Autistic Society which you may find useful: 

    Best wishes, 

    Alice Mod