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Feeling like I failed at Showing Up

mrs.snooks

I need a bit of a debrief about somthing that happened at the Oliver McGowan Training that I went to today.

I had a Freeze there today. You know when your brain gets stuck because you don't know what to do for the best.

There is a young autistic person out there that had a Shutdown today and I didn't know what to do, so I Froze. I didn't Show Up. And if they read this, I am sorry if I did the wrong thing and didn't Show Up for you. I hope that you are okay. I am thinking of you and feeling confused and ashamed.

So today as some of you know, I went to a Tier 2, Part 2 Oliver McGowan Training session - a face to face all day session. The austitic person was talking in the afternoon, but arrived in the morning and had already been there a couple of hours before the time that they spoke. As the afternoon session got to the last 45-60 minutes, it became obvious to me that the person was displaying all of the features of a Shutdown. The Neurotypical facilitiator seemed to ignore this fact completely. And so I sat there watching this young person get overwelmed and shut down. And I didn't know what to do.

I asked my Neurotypical OH whether I should have stepped in. Whether I should have stood up and addressed this. Said STOP. Called it out. Get them out of the room. But I didn't know if that would just make it worse for them. And so I sat there. Trying to motion to the Neurotypical Facilitator, that actually they had a Duty of Care for this autistic person and that they needed to help them. Instead, I sat there wishing the time away. So that this young person could get out of that room. My OH just thought the autistic person needed an afternoon sleep as they were tired. I disagree.

I did nothing. Because I worried that if I did something, I would make the situation worse.

Thoughts, advice, help all appreciated.

Thanks, Mrs Snooks

  • Dear     

    Thank you for Showing Up for me. 

    I have written and emailed my feedback for the session. I feel better for it.

    Another day of chipping away at the myths, hey.

    Kind regards, Mrs Snooks.

  • Eight years ago, I attended an IT conference, at Allstate's Office in Belfast. Left halfway, as I could no lomnger cope with the anxiety. Plus, the group provided Burritos from Boojum, which didn't agree with me.


    It's a double-edged sword. We have an interest in Tech. But the work culture, in that Industry, is far too fast-paced.

    Trainers aren't necessarily the best Mentors. Jobsworths.

  • mrs.snooks said:
    I did nothing. Because I worried that if I did something, I would make the situation worse.

    You are not trained in helping people in a crisis like this so you were right not to intervene. At the most you could have walked up to the co-ordinator and told them what you thought was happening, but this is not your responsibility.

    What you could do now is write to the organisation that arranged the event, complain about the facilitator and point out the visible signs they missed so that at the very least the organisation knows they risk more public complaints if the facilitator is allowed to continue without training.

    I would also consider writing to the speaker if you can get their details and tell them you thought they were doing a great talk up until the shutdown, tell them that you know how they feel from personal experience and tell them that it can get better. Perhaps say you would love to hear them talk again so they have confidence to get back in the game.

    Just my thoughts.

  • I'm sorry you feel you should have done more, I think it's one of those "damned if do and damned if you  don't" situations.

    I do wish ND people could run things like this themselves rather than NT's they always seem to get it wrong and the more training they have the worst they seem to be

  • That sounds so hard, and the great tragic irony that it's meant to be training to help Autistic people and the NT person wasn't doing their job of looking after the autistic person! That's really terrible, maybe you could write a letter and highlight to the company they need to watch out for the things in the training themselves (and if they didn't cover shutdowns, tell them they should!) You could also then they you thought the autistic person did their best, so you could still support them in a way by giving them good feedback?!

    It must have felt awful, I don't know what I would have done either, as these things are difficult to interrupt when they are in full flow, it must have been a very difficult experience for you also. 

    The whole system isn't ideally set up if it doesn't allow for breaks for the autistic person who is part of the training, and as you said, they are failing in their duty of care to them and should be checking if they are okay to continue. 

    Hope your feeling okay now, it is the sort of thing I would worry a lot about too without knowing how to make it better.