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Carer Burnout from Autistic Husband

magelight

Hi, I hope this is ok to post here. I have been with my husband for over 10 years. He was diagnosed a few years ago with Autism, ADHD and BPD. Since then, some things have improved but recently he has become increasingly dependent on me. I act as an unpaid carer for him as due to working full-time I am ineligible for Carer's Allowance.

He is currently on long-term sick leave from his part-time job due to stress/autistic burnout. When he put his sick note in a month ago, he made a lot of promises about housework and how he would take them on while off as again, I work full-time (12 hour shifts 4/5 days a week).

However, none of this has happened. I am constantly coming home and having to tidy, do dishes, feed/look after our pets as well as make dinner for both of us. I do the majority of the chores in the house - his main ones are laundry and gardening but I usually end up doing them as the nagging just wears me out and they won't get done otherwise.
During my shifts, I am constantly having to manage our life admin and his emotional needs. I have to remind him to eat during the day and provide safe/convenient foods as otherwise he won't eat or will just spend money on take-aways. I have zero time to myself any more as he is constantly at home, and I am either at work or catching up on chores on my days off while he sleeps or watches TikTok.

He recently applied for PIP and was rejected. While his original claim he did all of the legwork, I have found myself having to do everything for his appeal. Making calls, writing documents, chasing medical evidence and arranging appointments. I have to use my days off for these as he refuses to attend alone despite us being on a narrow timeframe for the mandatory reconsideration.

Finally - my mother has been extremely unwell recently and is undergoing investigation to figure out what's causing it. At the same time, he has come down with a cold (not Covid as I tested him for that). He is aware of my mother's illness and how worried I am about her. He does not ask how she is doing unless I bring it up, and instead over the past few days while she has been in hospital has been giving me a play-by-play of his symptoms and how terrible he feels from this cold.

I love him and I can't imagine my life without him. He is sweet, affectionate and loving and when I am not feeling so down, things are wonderful. I understand that autistic burnout is severely limiting, but I am absolutely exhausted from having to manage everything. I feel more like a parent than a spouse and I find myself resenting him.

Does anyone have any advice on what I can do? I am in the Manchester area if anyone has any advice on location-specific support groups that may help.

Parents
  • magelight said:
    He is currently on long-term sick leave from his part-time job due to stress/autistic burnout.

    It can take a lot more than a month to recover from autistic burnout and be able to return to functioning as he was before.

    There is a useful article on this site that explains more about this (note the link at the top for carer / parent which may give some insights from your perspective): https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/mental-health/autistic-fatigue/autistic-adults

    I suspect he will appear very selfish during the recovery time, at least by his normal standards, but this could be linked to the impact caused by the burnout. Those I know who have had this take several months where they require to be left alone as much as possible to slowly recover and return to a normal level of mental health, so if you can, please allow him longer with a lower expectation of what he should be doing in his free time.

    Perhaps changing routine will help - getting up early and doing the chores at the same time (or different chores at the same time) will get the work out of the way soonest and let you have the evenings to relax together and enjoy each others company.

    I can't offer anything more on this as it could be seen as medical advice and that is forbidden here. 

    Group activities are probably not a great option when in burnout as the stimulation can be counterproductive.

    If you are able to afford it and he is willing then I can recommend working with a psychotherapist to help him develop his own coping mechanisms and communication skills to be a more effective partner and to let him understand his needs better - and then communicate all this to you.

    At around £60/hour is is a good investment in my opinion.

    Good luck.

Reply
  • magelight said:
    He is currently on long-term sick leave from his part-time job due to stress/autistic burnout.

    It can take a lot more than a month to recover from autistic burnout and be able to return to functioning as he was before.

    There is a useful article on this site that explains more about this (note the link at the top for carer / parent which may give some insights from your perspective): https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/mental-health/autistic-fatigue/autistic-adults

    I suspect he will appear very selfish during the recovery time, at least by his normal standards, but this could be linked to the impact caused by the burnout. Those I know who have had this take several months where they require to be left alone as much as possible to slowly recover and return to a normal level of mental health, so if you can, please allow him longer with a lower expectation of what he should be doing in his free time.

    Perhaps changing routine will help - getting up early and doing the chores at the same time (or different chores at the same time) will get the work out of the way soonest and let you have the evenings to relax together and enjoy each others company.

    I can't offer anything more on this as it could be seen as medical advice and that is forbidden here. 

    Group activities are probably not a great option when in burnout as the stimulation can be counterproductive.

    If you are able to afford it and he is willing then I can recommend working with a psychotherapist to help him develop his own coping mechanisms and communication skills to be a more effective partner and to let him understand his needs better - and then communicate all this to you.

    At around £60/hour is is a good investment in my opinion.

    Good luck.

Children
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