Hello all,
I'm new here, though I did post in the Introduction thread. I went a bit overboard, I know, but it's what I do. You should see my whatsapps with friends. It'll be 15 messages from me to every one by a friend. When I have conversations I can talk for England on the things I find interesting, and then zone out or get bored when someone else is talking to me. I've had to ask people what they said so many times! Some people do get annoyed with it. I also find it hard to want to know how other people are. It's not that I don't care, I do. It's just that saying "how are you" has always seemed inappropriate. A bit like eye contact.
I have come to believe I'm autistic. There's been hints from my Mother because she's been told she is due to her lack of eye contact. My sister gets ADHD episodes and my little niece can't sit still in class or not talk to everyone. She now has a SEND counselor. It runs in our family. I understand my Nan used to take her anger out on the home.
I've done so much research the past couple of months. I've used AI to map out the traits I think I exhibit and AI says I'm probably AuDHD. I put so much effort into that and I did AQ (37) and RAADS-R (165). My doctor replied to my queries about autism by saying "everyone has some autistic traits". When I said I'd never felt lower in my life because I believed I was in autistic burnout, he said "we all have low periods in our life and just need to push ourselves through those times". He couldn't even congratulate me on weight loss. Just said I still needed to lose weight. I managed to fit in to waist 36 the other day when I've been in 40s for years. I've lost weight because of depression. Had no appetite. I've also replaced my usual hobbies of gaming with long walks. I believe it's called Anhedonia to lose so much interest in one's normal activities.
I left that doctor's appointment feeling at my lowest ebb ever. He said he'd sent me a questionnaire. He'd forgotten to attach it. I spoke to reception and told them I was not happy with my doctor. They didn't say much, but they did assure me they'd get the questionnaire sent. I went home and left a very negative review on a website. I think my doctor's surgery may have seen it. The next morning I woke to a text that said I had been referred for autism assessment via Right to Choose.
All that appointment did was convince me I was making this all up. It left me really doubting myself. I'm so terrified of an autism assessment that I haven't even selected a provider yet. I haven't even opened the message link. I went to my local NHS mental health hub and spoke to someone. They said they could book me in for a one to one and someone would email me. They emailed me three days later than they said and I couldn't get a one to one until August 21st.
I wanted to talk to someone and get advice. I feel like the bottom has fallen out of my life. I've suffered limerence for a colleague the past couple of months and it's got me so down I fear even seeing her. I'm so lost I reached out to a private therapist.
I will also ruminate endlessly on past conversations and like to plan future conversations. If they then change I can get very lost. I went in to that doctor's appointment with a plan and it went out the window in the first minute.
I know this probably isn't the place to get a diagnosis but I just want someone to turn to me and say "yes, I recognise AuDHD in you" or just make me feel less like I'm making things up. As I said, I created a traits map with AI. I know AI isn't something that's going to be able to diagnose me. Many people won't trust AI. It was just a way to get my traits down. I'm not going to print out what I created but I thought I might list a few thoughts.
AI summarised what I mapped but I didn't just want to copy it. The following uses a similar style, but it's my own words.
- Always told "I could do better" in school, left essays to last minute, never revised, tested badly due to nerves
- Was a shy child, when told happy birthday by two girl classmates at 11 told them to shut up (first possible autistic memory
- Created games as a young teen, would roll dice to simulate football scores (even went so far as to roll different sided die), had notebooks full of created leagues and cups. Loved Fighting Fantasy
Social and Communication
- Can't help but feel empathy for other, was especially so for limerent other who I felt had been badly treated
- Find it hard to say "no". Will agree with someone just to get away and just not return
- Severe fear of rejection. I've pushed so many women I've liked away rather than face a no. Friends too
- Problems with eye contact
- Struggle with buying food when I travel. End up with street food or fast food because I fear the rigidity of restaurants
- Have often been moaned at for my need to answer questions with a question. If they haven't been clear I'll ask for more info
Routine and Media
- Incredibly OCD at work (retail), work cages have an order and get very annoyed if order is changed
- Have had severe bouts of rage when my job is changed. One Christmas my job was changed at last minute and I had a huge bout of rage towards my managers. Spent rest of night embarrassed and convinced I was actually happier. These moments of rage are more and more frequent
- But small jobs at the end of a shift I find boring and I just won't do them, much to annoyance of management. I've done my main job so why more is my thoughts
- I will watch same shows over and over or play the same music. I buy the same food throughout the week. People have asked me why I always eat the same thing, and I say because I like it "why change". Lately have taken to playing same song half a shift without it boring me
- Will play creative games almost exclusively. Games like Satisfactory or Cities Skylines bring out a sort of OCD in me that everything must be "lined up"
Sensory
- Lifelong hatred of water on face, meltdowns during swimming lessons at school
- Will see patterns in curtains/lino/wallpaper, such as faces. Very good at pattern recognition tests. Have this strange ability to remember/recognise number plates of colleagues at work (I don't even drive)
- Certain noises are very uncomfortable, noisy roll cages at work, screaming kids
- Hate wearing tight clothing, haven't worn a watch in years because I find it uncomfortable
- Had coordination therapy as child, still struggle with cutlery. I use a fork alone and even scoop food on to it - makes me feel uncomfortable out and about. Had to have forklift training at an old job - failed abysmally. Am bad with "twitchy" computer games and it has got worse with age. Hit walls in Satisfactory because my coordination skills mean I can't kill enemies
- Hate hugging, not a fan of barbers because of closeness
- Will chew lip or inside of mouth when nervous - especially on a packed train - and tap fingers in rhythm to music. Find myself doing frantic hand gestures a lot
AuDHD "tug of war" and Executive Dysfunction
- Travel Paradox. In the past 3 years I have begin to travel a great deal. Always solo and tend to just wander rather than always pick places to go. I love the adventure
- Huge issues with cleaning about home. I'll cut my nails and leave clippings in a pile, work surface will fill up with recyclables rather than me put them away daily, and wash up only when I need plates. On returning from launderette clothes are dumped on bed, when I need bed they're dump on couch and usually stay there. Have a habit to not open letters unless I do it there and then. I've gone through draws before and found piles of unopened letters from years previous
- Trouble keeping up with conversations. Will zone out.
- Am impulsive with my walks. Came back from a holiday a few weeks back and went on an impromptu 6 mile hike. I'm trying to walk farther and farther all the time. Since I started to lose weight I've found I've become impulsive about losing more ( I even worry about eating disorders coming now).
- Have become a bit too obsessed with AI. It was handy when I used it to order my thoughts, but I can't seem to leave it alone, asking excessive amounts of questions about anything
I just feel that I'd like some feedback. For the first time yesterday someone said they really believed I was autistic. It was a friend that has been very supportive of me. I was talking to a manager about how my current mood as affected my work and I said I may be autistic and want to speak to Occupational Health. My friend said "you are" and that she firmly believed it. It's never a given though. I spoke to one of the managers who experienced a lot of my rage moments the other day. I told him I was exploring autism, and wanted to apologise for some of the moments he'd experienced from me. He told me he'd never really taken all that much notice of those moments. That shocked me because they're very real in my mind.
Thanks, in advance, for any thoughts.
