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Feel like im lying to myself ....

Ade

HI everyone , im 53 everything has fallen apart around me ( divorce, kids dont speak to me at all, had to leave home etc ) . I'm struggling to believe i'm autistic, technically i'm not diagnosed yet. so i set off to look at my full medical history 1) Because i just had a pip assessment where they changed most of what i  said .  2) out of interest . I started drinking and drugs at 14 as i couldnt handle socialising or life in general , eventually it lead to health problems and ive been clean and not drinking for over 30 years now . my medical history shows me as class 1 anxiety on multiple occasions , every time they prescribed antidepressants they made me worse ( more anxious and in 1 case psychotic thoughts ) . So for years i avoided the doctors believing i was just different / broken .

Forward quite a few years and 1 of my children has the same problems i always had and gets diagnosed with Aspergers . Jokingly i did an AQ50 and scored over 45. talked to my new doctor about the score , life and how i feel  he referred me immediately to NHS for an autism assessment . i've been waiting quite a few years for my assessment but changed to RTC recently and am hoping its done very soon , here's the real problem .

I've literally had years of being told i'm just really anxious or depressed by doctors , both of the AQ50 tests i did were over 45 out of 50 . i have extreme black and white thinking . i cant socialise , i dont have any friends , i have a couple of interests i hyper focus on . since i've accepted i may possibly be autistic i've started openly  stimming ( which feels very natural ) , i no longer force myself to look people in the eyes . and there's a lot  more.

But - I feel like im lying to myself and i feel guilty about going for benefits like PIP and Lcwra  ( every job ive ever tried has failed as i offend people unintentionally or cant handle changes or the social aspect of the job ) . Could i be lying to myself im really struggling with this and really confused . If youve experienced anything like this please reply .

Parents

  • I think it's not uncommon to end up quite confused. Also to have a lot of self doubt.

    A spiky profile where you may be good at some things, makes it hard to understand. Even more so when abilities are variable, depending on stress, pressure and burnout.

    Besides traits, there are also long term patterns and outcomes. Sleep problems are common, which really doesn't help at all.

    The problem is no one really says how it feels. They mostly describe externally observable behaviours. I can justify my behaviours to myself, but it forms a pattern. You tend not to study yourself because you have always been you, you have developed ways to cope or ways to avoid things. So it seems strange to draw attention to it.

    Also, acceptance can be hard. It undermines your sense of self, initially. It can be quite a journey.

Reply

  • I think it's not uncommon to end up quite confused. Also to have a lot of self doubt.

    A spiky profile where you may be good at some things, makes it hard to understand. Even more so when abilities are variable, depending on stress, pressure and burnout.

    Besides traits, there are also long term patterns and outcomes. Sleep problems are common, which really doesn't help at all.

    The problem is no one really says how it feels. They mostly describe externally observable behaviours. I can justify my behaviours to myself, but it forms a pattern. You tend not to study yourself because you have always been you, you have developed ways to cope or ways to avoid things. So it seems strange to draw attention to it.

    Also, acceptance can be hard. It undermines your sense of self, initially. It can be quite a journey.

Children
  • in reply to Stuart333

    I agree, ive also been prescribed sleeping tablets multiple times , i cant seem to rest im constantly overthinking or catastrophizing something . Im currently at the point where the stress has just destroyed me , i barely ever leave the house i just listen to music , play games and pace up and down all day . The way i think and the outcome of it means i have removed everyone from my life who hasnt removed me first . Ive been the same as long as  i can remember , it feels like ive ruined my own life.