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Feel like im lying to myself ....

Ade

HI everyone , im 53 everything has fallen apart around me ( divorce, kids dont speak to me at all, had to leave home etc ) . I'm struggling to believe i'm autistic, technically i'm not diagnosed yet. so i set off to look at my full medical history 1) Because i just had a pip assessment where they changed most of what i  said .  2) out of interest . I started drinking and drugs at 14 as i couldnt handle socialising or life in general , eventually it lead to health problems and ive been clean and not drinking for over 30 years now . my medical history shows me as class 1 anxiety on multiple occasions , every time they prescribed antidepressants they made me worse ( more anxious and in 1 case psychotic thoughts ) . So for years i avoided the doctors believing i was just different / broken .

Forward quite a few years and 1 of my children has the same problems i always had and gets diagnosed with Aspergers . Jokingly i did an AQ50 and scored over 45. talked to my new doctor about the score , life and how i feel  he referred me immediately to NHS for an autism assessment . i've been waiting quite a few years for my assessment but changed to RTC recently and am hoping its done very soon , here's the real problem .

I've literally had years of being told i'm just really anxious or depressed by doctors , both of the AQ50 tests i did were over 45 out of 50 . i have extreme black and white thinking . i cant socialise , i dont have any friends , i have a couple of interests i hyper focus on . since i've accepted i may possibly be autistic i've started openly  stimming ( which feels very natural ) , i no longer force myself to look people in the eyes . and there's a lot  more.

But - I feel like im lying to myself and i feel guilty about going for benefits like PIP and Lcwra  ( every job ive ever tried has failed as i offend people unintentionally or cant handle changes or the social aspect of the job ) . Could i be lying to myself im really struggling with this and really confused . If youve experienced anything like this please reply .

Parents

  • I read your introduction as well. Some of what you wrote seemed to be autistic traits-some though neurotypical people may do it to, like blocking people after 2-3 times of them letting you down. It is common to refer to yourself as having autistic traits before you are diagnosed. You do have some autistic traits and some people do have that and not a diagnosis and autistic traits can affect you-so you are already not an imposter.  You may well to have the condition and end up being diagnosed with it and I hope it can give you some clarity to life.

    I will add like the PIP they say you can apply even if not diagnosed. Some though would wait 6 months until they are diagnosed to apply as that is what they count as a diagnosable condition. Also, I sent my form with medical evidence and read some guides how to fill the form so wasn't called for an interview. Doing this before would help and both at interview and when they get your forms. If you have to further I hope that you get evidence if you did not and look at some guides.

Reply

  • I read your introduction as well. Some of what you wrote seemed to be autistic traits-some though neurotypical people may do it to, like blocking people after 2-3 times of them letting you down. It is common to refer to yourself as having autistic traits before you are diagnosed. You do have some autistic traits and some people do have that and not a diagnosis and autistic traits can affect you-so you are already not an imposter.  You may well to have the condition and end up being diagnosed with it and I hope it can give you some clarity to life.

    I will add like the PIP they say you can apply even if not diagnosed. Some though would wait 6 months until they are diagnosed to apply as that is what they count as a diagnosable condition. Also, I sent my form with medical evidence and read some guides how to fill the form so wasn't called for an interview. Doing this before would help and both at interview and when they get your forms. If you have to further I hope that you get evidence if you did not and look at some guides.

Children
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