HI everyone , im 53 everything has fallen apart around me ( divorce, kids dont speak to me at all, had to leave home etc ) . I'm struggling to believe i'm autistic, technically i'm not diagnosed yet. so i set off to look at my full medical history 1) Because i just had a pip assessment where they changed most of what i said . 2) out of interest . I started drinking and drugs at 14 as i couldnt handle socialising or life in general , eventually it lead to health problems and ive been clean and not drinking for over 30 years now . my medical history shows me as class 1 anxiety on multiple occasions , every time they prescribed antidepressants they made me worse ( more anxious and in 1 case psychotic thoughts ) . So for years i avoided the doctors believing i was just different / broken .
Forward quite a few years and 1 of my children has the same problems i always had and gets diagnosed with Aspergers . Jokingly i did an AQ50 and scored over 45. talked to my new doctor about the score , life and how i feel he referred me immediately to NHS for an autism assessment . i've been waiting quite a few years for my assessment but changed to RTC recently and am hoping its done very soon , here's the real problem .
I've literally had years of being told i'm just really anxious or depressed by doctors , both of the AQ50 tests i did were over 45 out of 50 . i have extreme black and white thinking . i cant socialise , i dont have any friends , i have a couple of interests i hyper focus on . since i've accepted i may possibly be autistic i've started openly stimming ( which feels very natural ) , i no longer force myself to look people in the eyes . and there's a lot more.
But - I feel like im lying to myself and i feel guilty about going for benefits like PIP and Lcwra ( every job ive ever tried has failed as i offend people unintentionally or cant handle changes or the social aspect of the job ) . Could i be lying to myself im really struggling with this and really confused . If youve experienced anything like this please reply .
