I've been in tears on and off today because of a vivid nightmare that terrified me to the core and sort of tore open a trauma from last year I was trying not to feel.
Last year, my grandmother died from pancreatic cancer. It was all extremely sudden. I was blaming myself for not noticing it earlier. My solution to that catastrophic loss (in my messed-up family she was the second-closest person to me) is to simply refuse to let myself feel it.
Also last year, my ex-girlfriend (who has turned out to clinically be what is known as a sociopath) almost killed me in September 2025. I saw her in passing in May 2026 and was scared out of my mind.
The dream saw that ex-girlfriend in an ICU, dying from cancer (in the dream I clearly remembered that the almost killing me thing happened before her illness).
I visited her and was pleading for her to tell me how to make her feel better, before I collapsed to the hospital floor crying because she was dying in front of me and I couldn't stop it.
In real life, I couldn't stop it from happening to my grandfather and granny either.
In real life, I do not want to see her again because I am terrified of her. But I also do know that if she dies, it will completely destroy me because I still love her and can't let her go. This person is different to the other girl I kept posting about. This one came before the most recent failed attempt at a relationship, and unlike that one, the girl who died in my dream hurt me on purpose, repeatedly, over the course of many months, but if she was dying in real life, I would feel even more terrified than in my dream.
This was probably the most painful dream I have experienced for many years.
