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Assertiveness/ confidence

AdamH123

I feel like I am always far too passive. I do what I can to appease others and not what I want. I lack confidence and assertiveness. Coupled with struggling socially and forgetting chores etc and all of this is really impacting my relationship.

My wife feels like she has to carry the burden and fight for the family e.g. with my sons needs. I feel like I do a lot at home but my overall issues are really.impacting it. As my personal life falls apart my confidence is even worse and I just find myself wandering through life just trying not to be a screw up

I don't know how to make myself better and be more 

Parents

  • In my view, the problem is (I have it too) complex enough that the best strategy is therapy. But here is one strategy.

    Goals: remembering chores, becoming more assertive and helping partner.

    Idea 1, Saving Energy: Automate what you can automate.

    • Make a few meals on Sundays, book food deliveries online (if this helps).
    • Schedule daily tasks, so you can go through them following a lists, rather that in unstructured fashion.

    (This could help with daily chores, uncertainty, confidence).

    Idea 2, Particular Events: Think of concrete cases rather than general statements.

    • What events require assertiveness? I assume they are work-related.
    • If it is a situation that repeats: Can you plan an answer?
    • If it is emails related: Can you get someone to advice you?
    • Is there a task where a Chatbot could help?
    • Can your partner list which tasks she may need help with?

    Idea 3, "No" + Alternative: Saying "No" (and why) and giving an alternative.

    The alternative is there to help find a middle ground between always saying "Yes", or always saying "No". However, the alternative is best used if planned in advance (or may be worse than initial request!)

    My example is: Are you coming to the Christmas Party? No, I am tired / find it exhausting / ..., but if you would like to we can meet tomorrow for a coffee by the river.

Reply

  • In my view, the problem is (I have it too) complex enough that the best strategy is therapy. But here is one strategy.

    Goals: remembering chores, becoming more assertive and helping partner.

    Idea 1, Saving Energy: Automate what you can automate.

    • Make a few meals on Sundays, book food deliveries online (if this helps).
    • Schedule daily tasks, so you can go through them following a lists, rather that in unstructured fashion.

    (This could help with daily chores, uncertainty, confidence).

    Idea 2, Particular Events: Think of concrete cases rather than general statements.

    • What events require assertiveness? I assume they are work-related.
    • If it is a situation that repeats: Can you plan an answer?
    • If it is emails related: Can you get someone to advice you?
    • Is there a task where a Chatbot could help?
    • Can your partner list which tasks she may need help with?

    Idea 3, "No" + Alternative: Saying "No" (and why) and giving an alternative.

    The alternative is there to help find a middle ground between always saying "Yes", or always saying "No". However, the alternative is best used if planned in advance (or may be worse than initial request!)

    My example is: Are you coming to the Christmas Party? No, I am tired / find it exhausting / ..., but if you would like to we can meet tomorrow for a coffee by the river.

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