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Helping a friend

Laurel

Hi there, can anyone help please or point me in the right direction..  I have a friend who in my opinion is autistic and has learning difficulties but has never been diagnosed and wouldn’t appreciate me saying anything along those lines. But she is struggling in quite a few areas of life and I don’t know what to do … I have tried to signpost her to certain agencies but it hasn’t worked … it’s such a shame because I believe she should be getting more help financially and support etc but is there anything y more I can do ? 

Parents

  • Hi Laurel and welcome to the community! 

    You sound like a great friend. This is obviously a delicate situation, and only you can judge how best to handle it. But I'd very gently question your assumption that she wouldn’t (ultimately) appreciate you saying anything along those lines. I'll explain why, from my personal perspective as a late-diagnosed autistic person.

    For me, one of the most fundamental and significant barriers that some of us can face in accessing support is recognising and accepting that we need it - and are entitled to benefit from it - in the first place.

    I know that I had - and still have - a lot of internalised ableism, and I'm working on that. For example, we might be judging ourselves against norms (professional, social, etc) and interpreting our struggles as forms of personal failure, laziness, incompetence, and so on. Also, we might feel ashamed or embarrassed about seeking help. That's certainly how I felt about many things before belatedly realising (subsequently confirmed via diagnosis) that I'm autistic and also have other, related conditions.  

    For some of us, I think it's only by accepting that we may have one or more conditions, and that our struggles are real and legitimate, that we might feel more open to recognising our need for support and then doing something about it.

    And those two things might not happen at the same time. There might be a long period of time, for example, after having recognised that we need support, before we can build up the knowledge, confidence, and courage to a) seek it, and b) if necessary, be ready to advocate for it (whether - for example - by doing that ourselves, with help from a friend, or by using an advocacy service).

    So I'd personally be inclined to wonder whether there might be any merit in reconsidering your assumption, especially if you feel it might help her to explore and acknowledge potential sources of her struggles.

    This might be a useful read if you feel there'd be any merit in considering that approach:

    NAS - How to bring up that you think someone may be autistic

    You might also find these resources helpful:

    NAS - Social care

    NAS - Financial help, money and benefits

    NAS - Formal support following a diagnosis*

    * As the NAS explains in the articles, support is generally based on an assessment of specific needs in different areas (eg employment, social care, welfare benefits) rather than requiring a diagnosis.

  • in reply to Bunny

    Thank you Bunny. This is all most helpful .. I have advised counselling but she is so against that too .. that’s why I feel she doesn’t appreciate it .. I think I’m I’ve persuaded her to go to CAB so I’m just hoping they realise her problems or at least ask the right questions. 

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  • in reply to Bunny

    Thank you Bunny. This is all most helpful .. I have advised counselling but she is so against that too .. that’s why I feel she doesn’t appreciate it .. I think I’m I’ve persuaded her to go to CAB so I’m just hoping they realise her problems or at least ask the right questions. 

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