Hi all!
Where to start..... I have recently been diagnosed with ASD. I'm 38 and up until about a year ago, autism and autistic people were things I knew very little about. Like many other people with autism, I now realise there were very obvious signs, insanely obvious on reflection, but you don't know what you don't know, as they say. I was the quirky kid, the odd ball, the eccentric etc etc.
For 38 years I somehow managed to live my life in a world that just wasn't built for my brain. I have been incredibly blessed though, I married my soul mate when I was in my early twenties, and she has been my rock, my safe harbour in every storm and the antidote to my often chaotic behaviour. It was her encouragement and support that helped me figure out who I am. I was also blessed in school, since being diagnosed I have read so many heart breaking stories of how people with autism have been bullied and made fun of. That wasn't me, I had a close group of friends who were ferociously loyal, they understood me, they laughed with me and more importantly they loved me for who I was. Even on the days and weeks and months......and years! Where I didn't have the energy to socialize with them, most have been happy enough to just be on the other end of a txt.
I say all this, because I want to paint as clear a picture of myself as I can, I have been so lucky in my life, I have a beautiful wife and child and I know I'm loved, but late last year, I just burnt out. I thought I was feeling dissatisfied, and that made me feel so ungrateful that it sickened me. Everything I had, and yet, there I was, alone in a hotel, frozen.....couldn't talk, couldn't move, couldn't think!
For some additional context, I had recently started a new role, and I was spending 3 nights away from home to do an induction at my new head office. I now realise that it was the break in my routine, the new people, the fact I had to re mask, it was those things that broke me. What followed was a year of discovery, figuring out who I am.
Then I got my diagnosis, I don't think I believed it at first. It didn't seem real, it felt like a bad thing if I'm being honest. But my wife helped me understand it - "You just think differently" she told me, and that helped. But it's been a bit a difficult day to day, hence why I am here. I have never had therapy, never spoken to anyone about any of this stuff really. But I feel like I need to accept who I am and reach out to people who may have answers from experience. My poor wife is fighting fires with me all the time I think, and I owe it to her to at least understand myself.
I spiraled out a bit today. Felt like quitting my job, felt the freeze creeping back in, the words not wanting to leave my mouth, my brain stuck on "just obsess about this" mode. I was due to stay away for work (always been a trigger for me, hate hotels!) I have a senior sales role managing a national sales team in an engineering company. Yes... I know, a person with autism managing a bunch of sales people is a recipe for disaster! I couldn't even tell you how ended up in my role or even my industry! I hate social situations, I despise small talk and unless someone can quickly illustrate to me that their waffle has a point, I zone out (I'm also a hypocrite! As you can see by my proficiency to waffle) . I had my trip planned out, my excel documents ready, meetings planned, meeting rooms booked with air con! And then I got an email from my boss..... "We need to talk about "x" , they are underperforming" .
My whole day now thrown out the window, and to add insult to injury, no additional context, no guidance and what I should prepare. Just an email to tell me that we need to discuss a member of my team. To make matters worse, half way to my hotel, I realized that not all rooms there have air con. Heat is a massive sensory nuke for me. From about 11 years old onwards I would choose to stay with my auntie rather than go on family holidays because I hated the heat so much. Last year I spent several thousands of pounds getting air conditioning installed in my house, it's a huge deal for me. My wife saved the day again though and called the hotel to make sure they could get me in a room with ac ( poor woman ) . But it just left me burnt out. Which led me here. How do you all cope?! Can anyone offer advice specifically on -
- addressing issues with my boss
- how to deal with sensory overload
- how to not overwhelm loved ones
- doing a job where you feel like such an outsider that you might as well arrive to work in a UFO
I feel like my boss should have given me more warning, but I don't want to come across as awkward or bothersome. I've been burnt by that in the past, and he's actually a really decent guy. Anyway, that's me. Would love to hear people's feedback. Is it my autism or am I just a weirdo? 
