Hey everyone, I recently made a post about my ocd, autism, emetophobia and how it affects me. I've been reading engaging with a book that I have found to be very helpful so far, it's called The Emetophobia Manual, written by Ken Goodman L.C.S.W. In the most recent chapter he was discussing that anxiety tempts us strategically via asking provocative questions to keep me in a loop and prevent me from actually enjoying life. By enticing me with a provocative question, it allows more time for anxiety to worm its way in. He said that something to look out for are 'questions with no answers', which of course includes existential questions about the meaning of life and faith. I went to a church service for the first time today of my own volition instead of being at a church for a few weddings when I was younger. The priests and vicars were very welcoming and we chatted for a while. I explained to them my journey of spiritual exploration. Since delving deeper into Christianity my intrusive thoughts about bad things happening has increased and arguments for and against.
It's kind of a paradox, because while I did something I never did before even though I experienced anxiety during parts of the service, the topic of faith itself has been something that my anxiety monster tempts me with. I end up asking questions that I know have no one set empirical answer. I know that it is a matter of faith, and should be left at that. Faith is a beautiful thing, and while there are many things we have faith in that we cannot see whether or not we are religious, I can still be tempted to enter non stop loops and get no where.
I think our neurodivergent minds are a right pain when it comes to topics like these. I like to learn as much as I can about something when I am interested, but for my mental wellbeing I have make an active choice to say that - no matter how much I study one worldview or religion etc, I am the one who needs to take that leap of <faith>. Writing out makes it clear as day for me, but my the anxiety monster in my mind tries to creep in with a million what ifs and what abouts. 'What about all the bad things that happen?' 'What if this faith is badly misplaced?'.