Hey everyone, I've been on here a few times but not fully discussed what I struggle with. I'm Jay, I'm 22 and I believe I also have OCD along with my autism. For as long as I can remember I have had a crippling fear of throwing up. A stomach-ache makes me scared that I have something wrong with me or that I have food poisoning. I have no memory of actually throwing up until April this year. This was during a period of rumination and intrusive thoughts about religion, and the evil that people commit. My overthinking about the evil of people became much worse when I started exploring Christianity. I'm usually somewhat okay and almost semi-desensitized to knowing what people are capable off, but I definitely went too far and that was what led me to throwing up. It was extremely panicking and nerve wracking. I threw up twice in total, but it felt like each time I was releasing my entire guts. The second time I was calling out for help, even though my family were right next to me.
My stomach was still tense for the next few days, and I couldn't eat or drink without getting a stomach-ache. For a little while I was fine again. I do remember being up in the night and having a panic attack to the point where I was shaking when on the loo. I was able to calm myself down, but it lasted for at least 15-20 minutes. I would still have moments where I would need to calm down but it was not so severe. Until just a couple of days ago, it was manageable. When I went into work, I felt that if I swallowed, I would gag or be sick. In the bathroom, I splashed cold water on my face and slapped my face and talked myself to calm down in the mirror. When I was serving people on tills, I was making a plan for what I would do if I needed to throw up. I would grab an empty crate and go into the cupboard. I had to pinch myself really hard and think about people on the other side of the world who work in dreadful heat and throw up and carry on. I expressed this to my family, and we realised that this is something I need extra support with.
I have had mental health challenges in the past, but this phobia is something I have never fully addressed and has haunted me my entire life for as long as I can remember, and I can only remember throwing up April this year, which sounds a bit non sensical but highlights to me just how severe my reaction to it is. I would also think to myself that if I had cancer, I would avoid chemo because I read that it makes people throw up. I’m currently signed off work because I don’t feel safe enough to function properly, and I’ve been making frequent mistakes. I feel better that I have time to get the help I need and to work on personal strategies. I have a blood test booked and a poo sample will be sent to rule out anything physically wrong with my stomach, although I am 90 percent convinced it is all psychological. I also have an appointment booked with a talking therapies service, and I’m changing to a medication which is renowned for treating OCD.
My emetophobia also means that I feel that eating will make me more likely to be sick. Although logically I know that malnutrition makes you more jittery and therefore more nervous, which in my head makes more reluctant to eat, and then I enter a vicious cycle. However, I am learning about these patterns of mine and I want to face them head on. I am very lucky to have my family as a support network since I still live at home. Anyone reading this, especially if you are a man, please know that you are not alone in struggling with your mental wellbeing. I used to feel embarrassed about my emetophobia, since most research shows that women or children mainly experience it. During a Tedtalk a woman was explaining her panic attacks from the age of 7 to her late teens, and I remember feeling both proud of her but also embarrassed, like ‘wow, I’m a man of 22 and having panic attacks and she was a seven-year-old girl.’ Paradoxically, this makes me feel more confident about writing about my fear. Perhaps more men struggle with this but are too nervous to talk about it. I am a human being. I have fears like everyone else. Being a ‘man’, the meaning of which has been culturally shaped and changed over time, should not even come into it. Whether or not I have XX or XY chromosomes should not determine whether or not I seek help for something which is evidently debilitating for me, no matter what it is or how irrational it may seem to others.
A day or so ago, I was in the garden calming myself down and my mum came out and held my hand, which to be honest initially invoked feelings of embarrassment. “I’m a man and my mum feels she needs to do this.” My mum was expressing her care for me and could see that I was going through a tough time. Everyone needs support through tough times, no matter what. I’m no heavyweight (I’m a whole 5ft 6 
), but it’s good when Tyson Fury was opening up about his anxiety and mental health struggles. If I want to recover and feel good about myself that also means changing how I perceive myself in relation to my mental difficulties. Seeking help and being vulnerable is empowering. You’ve got this. No matter what you are going through. You have got this. The fact you are reading this is proof you are stronger than you realise.
