I grew up normally, 'normally' so they called it, I had friends, socialsied, was able to complete schoolwork, play sports etc.
But,
I remember being 8 yrs old, sitting in the classroom of my small school, surrounded by friends when I felt my chest tighten and what felt like my heart hurting.
This occured a couple of more times throughout that month so my parents decided to bring me to the hospital. The doctors ran multiple of tests,(physical ones). I even had a heart rate tracker strapped to me for a week. everything was fine. they said, everything was fine.
They did not check the mental side of chest pains, I was sent home that day and never knew what it was, till many years later.
I unforuntately thorought my childhood got these panic attacks quite often but since I had no idea what they were, I came up with coping stragies: rewatching gilmore girls.weighted blankets. teddies. music.
When i finally learned that what I was feeling was a panic attack, i was shocked. i felt misunderstood and alone. I felt as if nobody would every understand that my anxiety is hidden, hidden upon layer, upon layers of learned social cues and acting.
i learned to cope with a panic attack before I knew what a panic attack was but I hated myself for it. hated how my legs shaked, how my chest tightened and breathe quickened. how i felt like the world was ending, like it was swallowing me up whole. I hated how i just wanted to hide but wanted friends, wanted to be alone but not lonely. i was a walking contradiction.
I pushed myself to survive those years in school, i survived, i lived life in surivval mode, my nervous system never relaxed, it never got a break and i hated myself for that too. i could feel my body grow tenser, become more tired, become lost in world, a world i felt i had created for myself, where everything and anything was scary, terrifying, mind-numbing pain. I felt stuck. i thought the rest of my life was going to be this ongoing cycle of anxiety, a cycle which i would never escape, where my anxiety would ruin every good relationship, every accomplishment, every good moment, every night sleep. every. goddamn.minute.
But i got help, i hated it at first talking to psychologist, he would ask me why I felt a sudden way and i never knew the answer, i just 'idk i do'
But as 4 or 5 session went by,, i couls see a change (i went to college and stopped going after those)
A change in that the serious anxiety as gone. it felt like my anxiety was in 1 room and my brain in another. and for once i felt in control, like i could make sure the door between the too did not open. for once, i felt hope. hope that life was not this ever ending cycle of burn out, pretending and panic attacks.
So, if you reading this and can relate in any way, try getting help. I know its scary, I put it off for months, even years. but just imagine if it worked, imagine your life then.
I could never imagine that my life wouldnt be worked around anxiety, that I wouldnt feel it in every heartbeat and every blood vessel in my body, that it wouldnt run through my veins every morning the minute i woke up. but it did, it changed everything.
You deserve help. It is not your fault. You can do this.
P.s If anyone else has any similar stories, or thoughts on this. I would love to hear them:)